The Bizarro Predicto Blog! (South Carolina Gamecocks, 2010)

Posted: August 31, 2010 in Football, Sports
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Author’s note: The opinions in this post specifically are just…opinions. That means, I will pretend to not know what you’re talking about when it’s Week 11, and the Gamecocks are 5-5. Wait a minute, this is foreshadowing!

Yeah, this guy helped me out a little bit.

My name is Jordy McKever, and I can literally talk myself into anything. Last year, you may recall that I foolishly boldly tried to talk my readers into a

Unfortunately, this is Garcia’s greatest moment. Say it together with me, “Le sigh.”

10-2 regular season for the Gamecocks . Of course, that may have been a stretch. However, the fond memories of Stephen Garcia bounce passes, the HBC’s double limp, and Mark Ingram playing 1 vs. 11 (and winning, see the play-by-play for the drive that put Alabama up 2006) are still fresh in my mind.

So, why in the world would I do a season prediction blog again? Well, THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE WHO LIKE SPORTS DO. Bold predictions are all we’re good for. I was going to use Accuscore to assist in looking at each game, but I had no idea that actually using the site cost $130 per month.* So anyway, you’re stuck with me. You decide on whether or not that’s a good thing.

*Quick question: Who the hell would pay that for a site that only PREDICTS stuff? NONE OF THIS IS ACTUAL FACT. This is rather ridiculous. I’m not down with Accuscore. I have no idea why this even upsets me. I can make bad predictions all by myself, guys!!!

(More background: I couldn’t tell you who’s in the starting lineup. I have not attended a practice/scrimmage/group outing where people complain about Stephen Garcia and ticket prices. I don’t even know the schedule from memory. Wait…maybe I do. Southern Miss, Georgia, Furman, Auburn, Alabama, Kentucky, Vanderbilt, Tennessee, Arkansas, Florida, Clemson? Somebody fact check that for me! Anyway, this is just more proof that none of what I’m saying should be taken seriously. Unless, I am right, of course.)

So anyway, let me stop wasting your time. Time to get my prediction on!

Sept. 2: vs. Southern Miss
Somehow, the Gamecocks have been featured on the opening game of the season for the past three years. What on Earth makes ESPN fall for this shit In the better brand of football NFL, the opening night game is usually reserved for the defending Super Bowl champion. Having said that, the Gamecocks have won all three of these games. Of course, with a cupcake non-conference foe to start things, why not continue this streak? WIN

Sept 11: vs. Georgia
The number 1 question I’ve been asked this year is, “Are we going to beat Georgia?” It’s a valid question to ask. Georgia is the closest SEC member we have geographically, and the game even has a stupid name: Between the Hedges! Anyway, the numbers, um, don’t look good. Last win vs. Georgia in Columbia? Um, gulp, 2000. And Georgia has something to prove. They’ll have a new QB, the coach is on the hot seat and their former AD may or may not have been behaving badly this summer. Sorry folks, not a good look for the Gamecocks here. LOSS

Sept. 18: vs. Furman
Exhibit #1 why college football will never be as good as the NFL. These “top teams” are consistently playing lower level competition. Save your “but the conference schedule is tough enough” for another day. Check out some of the non-conference “clashes” for some of the top teams in the country: (rankings in parenthesis)
-Alabama (1): vs. San Jose State, at Duke, vs. Georgia State (yes, the team starting their first season ever)
-Florida (4): vs. Miami (OH), vs. Appalachian State (and no, this is not 2007, folks)
-Texas (5): vs. Rice, vs. Florida Atlantic
-Nebraska (7): vs. Western Kentucky, Idaho and South Dakota State
-Oregon (11): vs. New Mexico and Portland State le sigh.
Truth be told, the Gamecocks are just like the other teams in scheduling such cream puffs. Still, it’s ridiculous. I must say that until there’s a playoff you can’t really lay claim to being the “best in the land” when your schedule includes wins over San Jose State and Georgia State. Having said that, I think the Furman game is a WIN.

Sept. 25: at Auburn
Well, um, can’t say that this is the first road game you want to have. Auburn is one of those teams that is allegedly on the rise. Of course, it may be long before people remember that

Wait, Auburn has a new coach now?!!? Oh.

Gene Chizik was a terrible coach at Iowa State before being hired by Auburn. Since this is a bizarro blog and all, why not go ahead and say that the Gamecocks will take this game? WIN

Oct. 9th: vs. Alabama
OK. Stay with me here for a second. You’ll have an undefeated, likely still top-ranked Alabama coming to town against a likely ranked South Carolina. Anyone with sense would make this a night game. Alabama didn’t just cakewalk to the title last year; they had some definite near misses along the way (Tennessee, anyone?). Well, at this point, you would think that this would be the game where the Gamecocks throw caution to the wind. The zone blocking works like magic against Alabama’s inexperienced defense. My roommate and I kidnap Mark Ingram the night before the game. Stephen Garcia (or Connor Shaw) makes a play (or three) that makes everyone say, “Now THAT’S a quarterback!” What will this all lead to? A WIN. Yeah, I said it.

Oct. 16th: at Kentucky
If there was ever a time to have a “letdown game,” this would be it. Everybody’s fired up after taking down the top ranked team in the country. Now people think the Gamecocks are contenders. Who needs to be ready for Kentucky? I mean, when was the last time the Gamecocks even lost to Kentucky? (It’s 1999, if you care to know.) I’m going to continue with the bold theme here and call this a LOSS.

Oct. 23rd: at Vanderbilt
One may consider this as a letdown game possibility, but, um, that would mean that we always beat Vanderbilt. I’ll let you guess as to who has won 2 out of the last three meetings. Anyway, Vanderbilt’s got a new coach. Which means that somehow people will care even less about football at Vanderbilt there should be a lot of…adjusting! Too much time for that instead of…beating the Gamecocks!! WIN

Nov. 6th: vs. Arkansas
This game really depends on whether or not Ryan Mallett is contending for the Heisman Trophy. As Darren McFadden, Tim Tebow, and Mark Ingram before him, the Gamecocks know how to help a Heisman campaign. I suppose it might be time that South Carolina decided to, you know, stop aiding Heisman campaigns and WIN against the Hogs.

Nov 13th: at Florida
You know the history: One win against the Gators in the past 5342 years. You may also recall the 56-6 whitewashing that took place in 2008. Really, whatever you recall, it’s never good when it comes to Carolina vs. the Gators. But hey, Peyton Manning never beat Florida either! But since this is a bizarro blog, why not

No more Tim Tebow bowling guys over! Now's our chance!

having Carolina beat Florida? Seriously, they’ll have new starters on defense, a new quarterback, and a coach who can’t seem to make up his mind. You may have heard this before, but if there ever was a time to beat Florida…WIN

Nov. 20: vs. Troy
See the Furman section for my thoughts on games like this. To be safe, I’d rather play this game November 14th. That’s right—a day after the Florida game. The Gamecocks would still be pumped over the Florida win. OK, so this game won’t happen until a week later. Still, should be enough for a WIN.

Nov. 27th: at Clemson
Because Georgia will be heading to the SEC Championship, (YEAH, I SAID THAT) there won’t be the excuse of “conserving to get ready for another game.” Having said that, the last Carolina win in Clemson was…oh wait, 2006! You could even talk yourself into a BCS bowl bid, and the first 10-win season since I predicted it last year 1984. Will this be enough to overcome the Tigers? Yes!! WIN

Jan. 1st: Capital One Bowl (vs. Iowa)
How about that, a real bowl game! Well, this would be a great chance to get revenge on that debacle from the Outback Bowl in 2009. And, why not end the season with 11 wins (most ever) and a top ten ranking? This is a bizarro blog! Suspend reality with me, please!!! WIN

So, there you have it. In about 1400 words, I once again see great things for the Gamecocks. It’s a classic “Nobody believed in us!” season indeed. Of course, if I’m wrong, just pretend I never wrote this.

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Comments
  1. Josh says:

    Don’t overlook that Furman game just because its Furman. New QB and some sick talent. Also, the overall record between the two schools is closer than you might think. Furman might have even won the last contest.

  2. brouhahasports says:

    January 1 Bowl? Well so far so good, great first half. The freshman Lattimore is really impressive. I guess S. Miss. isn’t as good as I thought.

    • tbfiles says:

      Well, at least this first impression is looking better than previous years! So that’s a start. Obviously, the January 1st bowl game is a bit of a stretch. But hey, I’m hopeful!

  3. […] very much! -The Gamecocks are four wins away from the season pretty much playing out EXACTLY as I predicted. -John Wall probably made the people at Dancing with the Stars drool with his dance before Tuesday […]

  4. […] mention that the Gamecocks were ahead 28-10 at the half in this game nor the fact that yours truly called it well before the season started). Up 20-7 at eventual national champion Auburn? Meh, let’s blow that lead too? A pretty […]

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