Keeping up with the Jordy (and Week Nine NFL picks)

Posted: November 7, 2010 in Football, NFL, Sports, Uncategorized

Hi, remember me?

So yes, it’s been a while since I’ve written a long, winding novel about my NFL picks. And, well, it might be a stretch to say that it was missed. Anyway, let’s just say that I’ve been busy. Since I last offered up a bloated NFL picks blog, some things have happened:
-I got accepted into grad school!
-The Panthers won a football game!
-Brett Favre doesn’t like Brad Childress very much!
-The Gamecocks are four wins away from the season pretty much playing out EXACTLY as I predicted.
-John Wall probably made the people at Dancing with the Stars drool with his dance before Tuesday night’s game.
-The San Francisco Giants won the World Series! I’m trying to think…isn’t that the first championship in a while for a team with orange in its color scheme?
-Donovan McNabb is not fit enough to be an NFL quarterback. Here’s the elephant in the room: Maybe he’s just not very good anymore.

So, yes, lots of stuff going on. So my apologies for not writing as much. So to make up for that, I will “attempt” to “reign in” my thoughts on this weeks games, and offer a few “made up lines,” because those are fun. As always, home team in caps!

Bucs (+8.5) over FALCONS
Raheem Morris thinks that Tampa (Geography lesson: Tampa Bay is the body of water. The Buccaneers do not play on the water. They play in the CITY OF TAMPA, FLORIDA) is the best team in the NFC. Well, time to prove his point, I guess! Tampa has some guys who are playing very well (LaGarrette Blount, that other Mike Williams (no, not him, but the other one) come to mind). While I don’t know if they’ll win the game, I’m pretty sure they won’t be losing by more than eight points.

BILLS (+2.5) over Bears
I mean, the Bills can’t go winless the entire season, can they?

Patriots (-4.5) over Browns
Apparently, being a New England Patriot is so amazing, Randy Moss decided talk his way out of Minnesota. If that were the case, why did Logan Mankins decide to spend half the season at home? I didn’t see him having some sort of “Man, I missed these guys, and this organization!” press conference. Anyway, it’s not every day that the team with the best record in the NFL isn’t even a five point favorite against the CLEVELAND BROWNS. I mean, am I missing something here?

Jets (-2.5) over LIONS
Skip Bayless feels that the Lions are going to shock the “Not Yets” (his name, not mine) this Sunday. Then again, Skip also wrote that Troy Aikman was gay. So, you know, I wouldn’t necessarily call Skip an expert on NFL matters. I like what the Lions are doing, yes. But that’s a major leap to go from beating the Redskins to beating the Jets. Besides, the Jets have had their god damn snack. They’re not losing to the Lions.

VIKINGS (-8.5) over Cardinals
Can I say that I feel sorry for Brad Childress? No, seriously. A lot of these things have been his own doing (begging Brett Favre to come back, thinking Randy Moss would be a good idea, continuing to try and grow hair even though it’s not growing on the top—at all). The reason I really have sympathy for Brad is because Brett Favre repeatedly takes shots at him. It’s pretty epic. “As I tell y’all all the time, to have a working relationship, you don’t have to like each other.” Well, Brett, no one likes you (clap clap clapclapclap). So I guess there’s something that Brad and Brett have in common, eh? Too bad the Cardinals are worse than the Vikings. If there’s such a thing.

Saints (-7.5) over PANTHERS
I’ve come to terms with what the Panthers have decided to do: Tank the season. That way, when you jettison the coaching staff and go after a big name, (Bill Cowher or Jon Gruden) you can say, “It’s just time for a change!” Well, some people at the White House can tell you how those promises of change have worked out so far. It’s not like this team was just completely awful on offense last year. Did they just forget how to play? Should I just start drinking right now in order to numb myself once the game starts? How long should I keep my Panthers jersey on for during the game? As you can see, I have too many questions.

RAVENS (-5.5) over Dolphins
As I was flipping channels this morning, I saw Tony Sparano walking up and down the seats at M&T Bank Stadium. In shorts! That’s a man for you. This is actually a dangerous pick, especially considering that the Ravens have been 1-2 ATS (against the spread, and I’m probably using that term wrong anyway) against the AFC East this year. So, OK, I won’t be surprised if the Ravens don’t cover. Wait, on second thought…

Dolphins (+5.5) over RAVENS
Yeah, that sounds more like it.

TEXANS (-1.5) over Chargers
The Chargers are bad on the road. And I’m T-I-RED (courtesy, Michael Irvin) of waiting on the Chargers to just “turn it on!” Make something happen! Or I’m going to start looking for a backup team. By the way, Arian Foster is the top scoring player in ¡La Liga! de TBF. I actually took a look at the scoring leaders in our league, and I happen to have four of the top ten players. This is probably not the tim eto tell you that I’m next to last in the standings. Why am I playing fantasy football again?

SEAHAWKS (-5.5) over Giants
For all this talk about “Who’s better, the Giants or the Jets?” (like you should care), you should note that the Giants have a turnover ratio of minus eight. You should also note that Qwest Field is one tough place to play. Keep those things in mind when the announcers for today’s game seem suddenly shocked when the Giants are playing terribly. Don’t say I didn’t warn you!!! Also, Charlie Whitehurst will have his first career start today. As a Gamecock fan, I’m terrified of Whitehurst; I think he can turn out being quite good.

RAIDERS (-2.5) over Chiefs
The fact that these two teams are at the top of the AFC West standings lets us know that…things have finally come full circle from the 90s. Which is the last time that I think this game had any relevance on the standings. Quick trivia question: What Hall of Fame running back played for both the Raiders and the Chiefs? The answer will be revealed later. No, it will.

Colts (+2.5) over EAGLES
Can someone tell me why Philly is favored in this game? The AFC always beats the NFC. Well, OK, most of the time. I think this will be a good game, but the Eagles have not played well at home in “big” games this year (Green Bay, Washington). I’m thinking that this will continue.

Cowboys (+7.5) over PACKERS
I mean, there’s no way the Cowboys lose the rest of their games this year, right? Maybe I should just leave it at that.

Steelers (-4.5) over BENGALS
I’m confident that the only intrigue in this game will involve Chad Johnson and Terrell Owens consoling each other in strangely uncomfortable ways. Poor Cincinnati fans. They deserve better. But then again, the Reds made the playoffs!! So there is hope for you yet, Queen City.

Last Week: 9-4
Season: 57-60

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