Archive for April, 2011

NFL Draft Blog EN VIVO!!!

Posted: April 28, 2011 in Football, NFL, Sports

Never been a fan of the NFL Draft stage. You make billions of dollars, and this is the best you can do?

That’s right, I still know how to write!! Good evening, and welcome to the (still) Two Fifths Man Zone!!! We’ll have a cast of characters tonight as I live blog the NFL Draft. Keep in mind, the NFL as we knew it February 6 does not…really exist. But hey, why not treat a bunch of guys who have yet to play an NFL down like they’re All Pros!!! Anyway, the goal is to post every thirty minutes with…something. Keep clicking and enjoying!!

7:47 pm: Tonight’s lineup at the Two-Fifths ManZone—
-Yours truly
-The versatile ZenLizzie
-Meggen The Roommate
-Dos Equis Lager Especial
-Chips, popcorn chicken, cookies, Pizza Rolls
-Hopeful cameos from The Fiancee And God’s Gift to the Dog Spieces
(It’s a big deal around here, y’all)

7:52 pm: And oh by the way, we’re like ten minutes away from the draft, and I’m already getting hypothetical transactions. Put it this way: It hasn’t happened until it happens, people!

7:56 pm: I should probably share my quick thoughts on “what I think the Panthers should do.” I really don’t think that they have to draft Cam. Does anyone remember that the Panthers drafted three guys who played quarterback in college—last year?!!?!? No, really, it happened! (Yes, Armanti Edwards played QB in college) Also, does anyone remember a guy named Matt Moore? Wasn’t he supposed to be the answer? How much time did he have to show something? Also, let’s not pretend like the statistics show that drafting someone with as little experience as Cam Newton isn’t the best idea. The Panthers don’t have the first pick because they were good last year, you know. It’s not even about risk. Drafting Cam Newton isn’t necessary. (OK, so this wasn’t necessarily a quick thought)

8:02 pm: Well, it’s all said and done. Why did I write that passage above again? Also, Steve Mariucci just said that the phone call Cam Newton got was “important.” My question is: Do people still talk on the phone?

8:04 pm: Can I lay money on “Odds that Roger Goddell is in tears by the end of the first round because people kept booing”?

8:05 pm: I can guarantee you that there is one place on this Earth where the people are not happy about this selection. Right here!!

8:06 pm: Is this draft in Philly or in New York? They’re booing everything! And I don’t understand what Michael Irvin is saying. Time for the captions!!

8:07 pm: Whatever. Hey Cam, I know someone who is ready to sell you a house!!!

8:08 pm: Marshall Faulk wants to see the rest of Carolina’s draft. He’s going to have to wait a while…

8:10 pm: Here’s how that interview should have gone.
Deion: What’s the first thing you gonna do for Mama?
Cam: Give my mom a grandchild!! Oh, wait—

8:12 pm: If my name were Von Miller, I’d probably be crying from people saying my name. IT’S VON FREAKING MILLER, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!

8:14 pm: Fourteen minutes in, and Mike Mayock throws out a “burst.” Drink! But Von, about those glasses…

8:15 pm: The Broncos have some NAMES. Von Miller, Elvis Dumervill, Champ Bailey. Man oh man.

8:17 pm: Random, yet relevant tweet: “Von Miller with the come-to-Jesus cry. That’s the I-had-too-much-yak-last-night cry and now I need hand myself to the Lawd.” (from @jemelehill)

8:19 pm: C’mon, NFL, give me some intrigue! SEND A DAMN TEXT TO THESE GUYS!!!

8:20 pm: Uh oh, who are those white people with Marcell? Another guy from Alabama who’s a race mixer? Oh my!!! Brave man!!!

8:22 pm: Sorry Mike, but it’s not really impressive when someone’s blowing by a Gamecock offensive lineman. Just saying.

8:23 pm: “The Lordwon’t put more on you than you can bear.” Is that the player’s anthem for this draft?

8:24 pm: Wait, was A.J. Green talking on a Game Boy? That’s a huge ass phone.

8:24 pm: I’m definitely going to drink each time I see that gold hat in the crowd. Is Jill Scott performing at halftime?

8:26 pm: “A whole different type of person,” says Michael Irvin of A.J. Green. Crack kills, y’all.

8:28 pm: Random, yet relevant tweet: “Reminder: the only thing NFL owners and NFL players agree on is taking money from these nice boys in suits. That won’t make the telecast.” (via @joe_sheehan)

8:30 pm: Nice tie, Patrick Peterson! This is a good pick for Arizona. Also, that edge up is sharp.

8:31 pm: LES MILES WITHOUT A HAT ON. You cannot be serious!!!

8:34 pm: I’m just going to throw this out there. I’m not on board with this Julio Jones pick. Although, I think Gucci Mane’s dad is at his table…

8:37 pm: Seriously. Who were the best receivers in college football last year? Some of them are still in school, yes. But Julio Jones was not one of them. Sorry, he’s not worth the sixth pick. Tell me the last first round WR that made an instant impact. And Keyshawn Johnson is too easy.

8:41 pm: I’m waiting for someone to tell me why Alex Smith is still “in the picture.”

8:43 pm: Mike Mayock was concerned about the tightness in Aldon Smith’s hips. Drink!

8:44 pm: Seriously, though. This draft is moving at warp speed. The Titans haven’t won a playoff game since 2003. The Bills haven’t played in a playoff game since then. So, whatever. Stop with the negative, NFL Network!!

8:45 pm: Jake Locker goes number eight to the Titans. Wait, what?

8:49 pm: Locker’s completion percentage in college? 45 percent!?!? I think that’s a bit low.

8:50 pm: All these “war rooms” are full of middle aged to old white men. For a league that’s majority black. Yup, sounds about right.

8:53 pm: The Cowboys still have loyal fans, seriously. They just picked a guy with a wingspan like a pterodactyl. Damn right, son!

8:56 pm: Jill Scott Hat Alert! Drink!!!

9:00 pm: “It’s a position they’ve been trying to upgrade for several years,” says Mike Mayock of the Jaguars. David Garrard—yesterday’s garbage!!

9:03 pm: “He’s going to throw a little jerk route…” Drink!

9:03 pm: These analysts must have never watched Oklahoma play football when Bradford was there. NEVER remember Sam under center.

9:06 pm: So, this tweet is from a fan who hates the Jaguars. Who the hell hates the Jaguars?

9:07 pm: J.J. Watt is showing off that Rose Bowl ring as if…that will be his biggest achievement ever. Given that he’ll play for the Texans, that’s probably right.

9:12 pm: Hold on, now! Jake Locker likes the camo. That’s…something?

9:13 pm: Random, yet relevant tweet: “Blaine Gabbert: “I wanted to be a Jaguar.” A quarterback saying those words should trigger an instant drug test.” (via @YahooSportsNFL)

9:16 pm: This Jared Allen jersey guy at this Vikings draft party….and the Vikings draft Christian Ponder. Wait, what?

9:17 pm: Question from the audience: “What’s a West Coast toolset?” That’s a good damn question!

9:19 pm: I’m waiting for these guys to say, “I think this is a horrible pick.”

9:21 pm: Suh and Nick Fairley next to each other? They should go sack the Lions fan in a Lions Snuggie. But damn. These guys will hurt people.

9:25 pm: So, we couldn’t get a real camera at Andy Dalton’s house? It’s 2011, y’all. Only Oprah does Skype!!!

9:26 pm: Are we sure that’s not a picture of Champ Bailey, and not Robert Quinn? Although, we’re trying to figure out who the old blonde lady is…

9:28 pm: Why is Brian Baldinger yelling right now? Although, someone did a good job on his hair gel.

9:33 pm: Mike Pouncey with the Droid 2 Global!!! As you can tell, this draft is starting to wear me out.

9:34 pm: Another note: The fans have tired out from booing Goddell. This has only been going on for an hour and a half. And only 15 picks in.

9:41 pm: Joining us via Skype, The Fiancee!! While I’ve been hard at “work”, she was at a Belk sale that had a DJ. That sounds like a money trap.

9:43 pm: The Redskins draft Ryan Kerrigan. Played with his hand in the dirt his whole life, guys. At least that’s what Mike Mayock tells me.

9:45 pm: Stacey Dales isn’t showing cleavage. That has to be a victory for the NFL Network.

9:47 pm: They really have some dopey looking fans in the rafters at this draft.

9:49 pm: The Patriots made a pick?!!? Oh my! Nice to see that the fans are back on their boo flow. Hopefully that wasn’t over anyone’s head.

9:50 pm: Random, yet relevant tweet: “I guess the #NFL commissioner can dry his tears about being booed with all his stacks of money.” (via @ZenLizzie)

9:54 pm: I like the name Corey Liuget, only for the fact that all these analysts will screw it up. And no, I have no idea what the difference is from a one, three, and five technique.

9:58 pm: Mark Ingram is my kind of guy. Let’s trade beards, man!

10:00 pm: While the Giants are on the clock, Eli Manning just had two interceptions and four fumbles.

10:02 pm: Meanwhile, in Atlanta…another game down to the wire. The Hawks beat the Orlando Magic and go to the second round!

10:04 pm: Prince Amukamara, with the biggest lips in the NFL, goes to the Giants. And another Jill Scott Hat Alert! Drink!

10:09 pm: Another NFL race mixer in the house!!! Hey, interracial dating is a movement, y’all. But then again, there aren’t many black women in Iowa for Adrian Clayborn to get with…

10:14 pm: Oh, NOW I get the whole “plantiff suing the defendant” thing with Von Miller. Took me a while. It’s been a long evening.

10:18 pm: At 340 pounds, I’m not sure if “movement skills” will be that person’s strong suit…

10:21 pm: Peyton Hillis is looking like NEW MONEY, y’all!! Those shoes, though…

10:24 pm: Peyton went from a t shirt and jeans on ESPN yesterday to gator boots with the pimped out Gucci suit at the NFL Draft.

10:26 pm: Michael Irvin’s best moment tonight was coherently saying the word “biochemistry.”

10:31 pm: I don’t know why Goddell didn’t bring out these soldiers earlier. He wouldn’t have been booed!!!

10:34 pm: Danny Watkins’s girlfriend better enjoy those tan lines while she can. Won’t be tanning in Philly!!!

10:43 pm: Turns out that Skype + live blogging + TweetDeck + fantasy baseball tracker = a low laptop battery. Who knew?

10:44 pm: Very glad to see a black guy in a team’s draft room. Also, at least they’re not dressed up as if they’re going to a strip club later. (I’m looking at you, Dallas)

10:50 pm: For those of you scoring at home, “character guy”=bad. “High character guy’=good. And Michael Irvin is definitely a CHARACTER GUY. So, whatever.

10:52 pm: Darren McFadden—a top 100 player in the NFL right now? Uh, whatever you say, man.

10:55 pm: I wonder how much longer Mark Ingram’s beard will grow while he sits in the green room.

10:58 pm: Overall, the NFL Network’s coverage has been pretty decent. I would have replaced Michael Lombardi with Michael Irvin, though.

11:02 pm: Chaos! Nobody knows what the hell is going on, and I LOVE IT!!! Drink!!

11:04 pm: Well, I think we’ve figured out why teams have passed on Jimmy Smith. And, my mind is officially blown.

11:08 pm: Jimmy Smith is “getting the locker room he needs”, says Michael Irvin. I mean, Ray Lewis was only on trial for murder, right? And Irvin actually sliced a teammate’s throat because he wanted a haircut. He’s an expert on good locker rooms!!

11:11 pm: And oh yeah, Rick Ross Jr Mark Ingram went to the Saints. At least he’s not moving far!!

11:14 pm: I think this is the first time that two Heisman winners have been chosen in the first round, no?

11:19 pm: It would be great if Deion would shut the hell up about how these players feel about “not being picked as high as they thought they would be.” Nothing in life is guaranteed!!!

11:20 pm: Random, yet relevant tweet: “Mel Kiper will now look at the camera, a single drop of oil leaking from his eye: “YOU HAVE TAUGHT A ROBOT HOW TO CRY, MARK INGRAM.”” (via @edsbs)

11:24 pm: Random thought: Where are they getting some of these cameras from? I think they found a Hi8 camera for Muhammad Wilkerson’s draft party.

11:26 pm: These highlights of Wilkerson show him just throwing people around. Nice job by the Jets to get a guy who, you know, made plays in college.

11:27 pm: Cam Heyward, you’re already better than Vernon Gholston, that’s for sure.

11:32 pm: A month ago, a co-worker said that he would take DaQuan Bowers #1. Well, uh, about that.

11:37 pm: Somebody just mentioned that the pace of this first round has been phenomenal. Uh, what draft were they watching?!!?

11:37 pm: Having said that, Derek Sherrod is selected by the Green Bay Packers. My God, it’s over!!! I can finally get up and use the bathroom!!! I’m rolling my eyes at the fact that this guy has two first names.

And there we have it. I can’t believe that I wrote 2100+ words about a non-game. I don’t even remember most of these picks, much less whether they made sense. But hey, it was nice to have football back on the forefront!!! Hope you enjoyed it, and we’ll see if we can get a few more live blogs in before summer hits.


Weekend Viewing Guide

Posted: April 8, 2011 in Uncategorized

I was going to write a long, scathing post about the Stephen Garcia saga, but let’s be honest: Why should I care so much about a player (Garcia) who doesn’t seem to care about being even remotely responsible, and an “organization” (Gamecock athletics) that is seemingly too scared to make a definitive move and just kick him off the team? Does Garcia have compromising pictures of Coach Spurrier (and no, the one you’re thinking of isn’t really a secret) that we don’t know about? At this point, I’m about as Team Stephen Garcia as you could possibly be, since our football team seems to be the same way.

Having said that, I figured I could lend a helping hand and answer the question I know you’re asking: “What should I be watching sports-wise this weekend?” (OK, let’s pretend that you’re asking this question) I’ll be in Myrtle Beach this weekend, probably not watching sports. But, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t!!! Here are a few things for you to check out this weekend:

Friday (Oh wait, that’s today, isn’t it?)

Phillies at Braves, 7:35 pm (Fox Sports South/Peachtree TV, Comcast Sports Net): It’s the home opener for the Braves,

THIS GUY was fourth in win shares for MLB pitchers last year. Who cares what win shares means?

who seemingly left their bats in the steroid era in Kissimee. Of course, the first home game comes with a doozy of a pitching matchup: Cliff Lee vs. Tim Hudson (one of these men had the fourth most win shares for pitchers in all of baseball last year). If you happen to not live in or near Philadelphia/Atlanta, you could be in luck: DirecTV customers have a free trial of MLB Extra Innings, so…free baseball for all! If you don’t have DirecTV, well, uh, go to a bar or something!

Clippers at Mavericks, 8:30 pm, Lakers at Blazers, 10 pm: It wasn’t too long ago that the Lakers were destined for the third seed in the NBA playoffs. Then they got hot. Then they lost three in a row. Who are these guys, anyway? Well, while Mark Cuban has been forcing that stupid Shark Tank show down our throat, his Mavs have lost four in a row, and are only 5-5 in their last ten. Of course, the Lakers have lost three in a row as well. For the eight of you who watch the NBA, these two games may be worth checking out just…uh, because I said so.


NASCAR Sprint Cup Samsung Mobile 500, 7 pm (FOX): Do you know how many clicks it took me to find out the actual

This guy wants you to give NASCAR a chance.

sponsor for this race? That’s not a good look, NASCAR! Anyway, I know that most of you don’t like NASCAR. I myself may or may not have characterized it as “a bunch of white guys riding around in circles for 500 miles.” But! There are a lot of, um, colors? And the night races are pretty cool. No, seriously! The Texas race has a knack for not sucking that much, and besides, what else are you going to do on a Saturday night? (Don’t answer that)

NCAA Frozen Four National Championship, Minnesota Duluth vs. Michigan (ESPN, 7pm): OK, so you can’t get down with auto racing. Well, there’s another college championship being decided through a tournament!! Does that get you excited, maybe even a little? (It’s really a novel idea for those of you who follow major college football) Anyway, the Frozen Four is a cool name, although I’m not really sure why the hockey national championship is decided after the basketball one, but maybe that’s just me. I have nothing to add about the teams themselves; I haven’t watched any college hockey this year. But, if anything, you will be in for a treat for any game that Gary Thorne is announcing. He’s a great hockey announcer. No, really!


Bulls at Magic (1p), Celtics at Heat (3:30p, both on ABC): This is about as good as it gets for some high level NBA action at this point of the season. Maybe the Heat fans will show up by the time the second quarter comes around, no? Anyway, expect to hear 732 discussions about why Derrick Rose is the MVP of the NBA. Consider yourself lucky if you hear even one argument for why Dwight Howard warrants even just a few MVP votes (then again, maybe that’s just me). Anyway, you shouldn’t be disappointed when you watch these games.

So, I hope that everyone has a great weekend! I will try to check in here and there via my just created tumblr, if I ever figure the thing out. And yes, there’s a reason why you don’t see The Masters as recommended viewing: I HATE The Masters. The end.

OK, so it’s been quite a while since I’ve done a live blog for anything. And, since there’s a relatively important basketball game on tonight, why not get back into the groove tonight? It’s Butler vs. Connecticut for the men’s national championship. Folks, get your coffee ready!! (It’s 10:30 pm Eastern as I type this)

10:30 pm: We are LIVE at the Two Fifths ManZone! It’s the beginning of the second half, and Butler leads 22-19. I’m not going to even be nice about it—this game has been really stupidly awful and boring.

10:31 pm: Here’s the most compelling thing I’ve noticed during this game: the Astrodome is still up! Yeah, some championship game.

10:33 pm: Meanwhile, if I told you six months ago that Snooki would be mentioned as a featured participant in Wrestlemania before they mentioned…you know, any of the actual wrestlers, you’d think the WWE was really in trouble, right?

10:34 pm: Jim Nantz decided to mention the Adam Vinateri field goal that beat the Carolina Panthers in the Super Bowl eight years ago. If you’ll excuse me, I need to go take three shots of peroxide.

10:35 pm: Pretend acutal analysis–You would think that Butler had the edge anyway, being that they were actually in the championship game last year. Maybe that’s just me.

10:38 pm: Wait a minute, both teams are executing on offense. This can’t be happening!!!

10:39 pm: Actual message from my fiancee after telling her the halftime score: Are the Bobcats and Clippers playing? (So, for those of you complaining about a lack of offense, it really could be worse)

10:40 pm: In my Sports Drinking Game, Clark Kellogg would get you messed up. He used “length” and “penetration” in the same sentence. Double drank!

10:42 pm: Kemba Walker turns 21 on May 8. He also graduates that day (done in 3 years!). It’s also Mother’s Day. So, make sure you take some shots for Kemba!!!

10:44 pm: Random, yet relevant tweet: “Butler is 1 for 17 on 2-point shots right now.” (via @TimColishaw)

10:46 pm: Clark Kellogg says “I don’t think the games been poorly played, I just think the shot making has been bad.” So basically, both teams are failing spectacularly at the premise of basketball, but that’s irrelevant, according to Clark.

10:49 pm: I love the obligatory shot of the white players on the bench being super giddy. Gets me every time.

10:49 pm: Meanwhile, there’s a pasty white wrestler with red hair that I’m supposed to take seriously. And guys, I mean pasty.

10:53 pm: I like Butler’s story and all, but UConn has the best two players on the court. This will seem irrelevant after the fact, but there’s no way they’re losing this game.

10:55 pm: “The dogfight continues…in Houston,” says Jim Nantz. Come to think of it, a team of actual bulldogs vs. huskies playing basketball would be compelling, no?

10:56 pm: Help me out here, y’all. On what planet would Vin Diesel beat up The Rock in a fist fight? I know I’m suspending reality, but, uh…

10:57 pm: Oh wait, was I not supposed to pay attention to the commercials during these games?

10:59 pm: Score update! UConn ahead 35-28, 11:38 left. Now, Butler was down by more with less time remaining in the Elite Eight. Wanted to get that in for dramatic effect. Just in case.

11:00 pm: Meanwhile, are we not throwing out the steroids question with John Cena? Really?

11:01 pm: Oh! A beautiful move…by Kemba Walker! (in my Marv Albert voice) And after thinking about it, the move was kinda ugly.

11:02 pm: Another troubling wrestling sign: The current champion goes by the name of a character he created on the Real World.

11:04 pm: I don’t know who switched out my Powerade for Hatorade, but The Rock’s arms are noticeably bigger. He hasn’t wrassled in a while, ya know. Uh…

11:05 pm: Butler has made 1 of its last 21 shots. Steve Kerr also thinks they’re in “We don’t know what to do” mode. They’re also down by 11 points with under seven minutes to go. Enjoy those Butler championship tees, kids in Africa!

11:10 pm: Clark Kellogg says that Butler is missing shots that they should be making. Of course, that’s usually the case for anyone who has ever played basketball.

11:11 pm: Meanwhile, I’m worried that John Cena and The Rock are about to make love in the middle of the ring.

11:13 pm: So The Rock and Cena agreed to face each other. At…the next Wrestlemania? Did someone get their lines wrong?

11:14 pm: Butler with another three! Only down 11.

11:17 pm: In equal opportunity news, the women’s national championship will feature Texas A&M and Notre Dame. If you’re betting, go with God (and Notre Dame)

11:18 pm: Also, instead of mentioning that it took her 37 shots to get 36 points, the commentators decided to focus on how much of a winner Maya Moore was during her career, and how her legacy will be intact. Because, you know, we’ll care about Maya Moore in three years.

11:21 pm: Butler is shooting 19 percent tonight. Isn’t that the percentage of Americans who believe that Obama isn’t an American (or is a Muslim, or both)?

11:22 pm: Oh boy, Lamb with a three. Butler only down eight!!!

11:23 pm: Random, yet relevant tweet: “The question remaining- does the yawnstipating nature of this game throw Nantz off for his final call?” (via @AroundTheHorn)

11:24 pm: OK, Jim Nantz. Let’s be honest: It’s easy to “find paradise in Houston” when the other team shoots 19 percent. I’m just sayin.

11:26 pm: Those bangs to bring out the streamers and confetti were a bit scary. The Huskies are the top dog, says Jim Nantz. He even threw out a “best in show” line. I think he’s trying to see if anyone’s still awake.

11:30 pm: Final score: UConn 53, Butler 41. By the way, ESPN’s front page has a link stating that Andrew Bynum is on an MVP-like stretch right now. Whoa. Whoa. WHOA.

11:31 pm: Congratulations to UConn. These guys are right, no one will care what the score was. The Huskies have won about 329 games in a row. It’s always fun when your team wins. Too bad I don’t know any UConn fans…

11:33 pm: OK, to wrap it up for tonight, here’s another random, yet relevant tweet: “who is Halls Berry RT @DickieV: It was not pretty but to UCONN it looked like Halls Berry!” (via @spacemnkymafia

11:37 pm: Thanks for reading tonight. Yes, this game was pretty awful. And, for the fourth year in a row, I lost to my fiancee in our bracket challenge. But hey, we’re not supposed to know what happens, right? I won’t try to give some sort of poetic summary about the college basketball season, because that’s not what you came here for. I do want to mention again that Kemba Walker is graduating in three years. Congratulations to him for that. Because, uh, “student” comes before “athlete” in the word—whatever. You get it. Good night!!!