NFL Draft Blog EN VIVO!!!

Posted: April 28, 2011 in Football, NFL, Sports

Never been a fan of the NFL Draft stage. You make billions of dollars, and this is the best you can do?

That’s right, I still know how to write!! Good evening, and welcome to the (still) Two Fifths Man Zone!!! We’ll have a cast of characters tonight as I live blog the NFL Draft. Keep in mind, the NFL as we knew it February 6 does not…really exist. But hey, why not treat a bunch of guys who have yet to play an NFL down like they’re All Pros!!! Anyway, the goal is to post every thirty minutes with…something. Keep clicking and enjoying!!

7:47 pm: Tonight’s lineup at the Two-Fifths ManZone—
-Yours truly
-The versatile ZenLizzie
-Meggen The Roommate
-Dos Equis Lager Especial
-Chips, popcorn chicken, cookies, Pizza Rolls
-Hopeful cameos from The Fiancee And God’s Gift to the Dog Spieces
(It’s a big deal around here, y’all)

7:52 pm: And oh by the way, we’re like ten minutes away from the draft, and I’m already getting hypothetical transactions. Put it this way: It hasn’t happened until it happens, people!

7:56 pm: I should probably share my quick thoughts on “what I think the Panthers should do.” I really don’t think that they have to draft Cam. Does anyone remember that the Panthers drafted three guys who played quarterback in college—last year?!!?!? No, really, it happened! (Yes, Armanti Edwards played QB in college) Also, does anyone remember a guy named Matt Moore? Wasn’t he supposed to be the answer? How much time did he have to show something? Also, let’s not pretend like the statistics show that drafting someone with as little experience as Cam Newton isn’t the best idea. The Panthers don’t have the first pick because they were good last year, you know. It’s not even about risk. Drafting Cam Newton isn’t necessary. (OK, so this wasn’t necessarily a quick thought)

8:02 pm: Well, it’s all said and done. Why did I write that passage above again? Also, Steve Mariucci just said that the phone call Cam Newton got was “important.” My question is: Do people still talk on the phone?

8:04 pm: Can I lay money on “Odds that Roger Goddell is in tears by the end of the first round because people kept booing”?

8:05 pm: I can guarantee you that there is one place on this Earth where the people are not happy about this selection. Right here!!

8:06 pm: Is this draft in Philly or in New York? They’re booing everything! And I don’t understand what Michael Irvin is saying. Time for the captions!!

8:07 pm: Whatever. Hey Cam, I know someone who is ready to sell you a house!!!

8:08 pm: Marshall Faulk wants to see the rest of Carolina’s draft. He’s going to have to wait a while…

8:10 pm: Here’s how that interview should have gone.
Deion: What’s the first thing you gonna do for Mama?
Cam: Give my mom a grandchild!! Oh, wait—

8:12 pm: If my name were Von Miller, I’d probably be crying from people saying my name. IT’S VON FREAKING MILLER, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!

8:14 pm: Fourteen minutes in, and Mike Mayock throws out a “burst.” Drink! But Von, about those glasses…

8:15 pm: The Broncos have some NAMES. Von Miller, Elvis Dumervill, Champ Bailey. Man oh man.

8:17 pm: Random, yet relevant tweet: “Von Miller with the come-to-Jesus cry. That’s the I-had-too-much-yak-last-night cry and now I need hand myself to the Lawd.” (from @jemelehill)

8:19 pm: C’mon, NFL, give me some intrigue! SEND A DAMN TEXT TO THESE GUYS!!!

8:20 pm: Uh oh, who are those white people with Marcell? Another guy from Alabama who’s a race mixer? Oh my!!! Brave man!!!

8:22 pm: Sorry Mike, but it’s not really impressive when someone’s blowing by a Gamecock offensive lineman. Just saying.

8:23 pm: “The Lordwon’t put more on you than you can bear.” Is that the player’s anthem for this draft?

8:24 pm: Wait, was A.J. Green talking on a Game Boy? That’s a huge ass phone.

8:24 pm: I’m definitely going to drink each time I see that gold hat in the crowd. Is Jill Scott performing at halftime?

8:26 pm: “A whole different type of person,” says Michael Irvin of A.J. Green. Crack kills, y’all.

8:28 pm: Random, yet relevant tweet: “Reminder: the only thing NFL owners and NFL players agree on is taking money from these nice boys in suits. That won’t make the telecast.” (via @joe_sheehan)

8:30 pm: Nice tie, Patrick Peterson! This is a good pick for Arizona. Also, that edge up is sharp.

8:31 pm: LES MILES WITHOUT A HAT ON. You cannot be serious!!!

8:34 pm: I’m just going to throw this out there. I’m not on board with this Julio Jones pick. Although, I think Gucci Mane’s dad is at his table…

8:37 pm: Seriously. Who were the best receivers in college football last year? Some of them are still in school, yes. But Julio Jones was not one of them. Sorry, he’s not worth the sixth pick. Tell me the last first round WR that made an instant impact. And Keyshawn Johnson is too easy.

8:41 pm: I’m waiting for someone to tell me why Alex Smith is still “in the picture.”

8:43 pm: Mike Mayock was concerned about the tightness in Aldon Smith’s hips. Drink!

8:44 pm: Seriously, though. This draft is moving at warp speed. The Titans haven’t won a playoff game since 2003. The Bills haven’t played in a playoff game since then. So, whatever. Stop with the negative, NFL Network!!

8:45 pm: Jake Locker goes number eight to the Titans. Wait, what?

8:49 pm: Locker’s completion percentage in college? 45 percent!?!? I think that’s a bit low.

8:50 pm: All these “war rooms” are full of middle aged to old white men. For a league that’s majority black. Yup, sounds about right.

8:53 pm: The Cowboys still have loyal fans, seriously. They just picked a guy with a wingspan like a pterodactyl. Damn right, son!

8:56 pm: Jill Scott Hat Alert! Drink!!!

9:00 pm: “It’s a position they’ve been trying to upgrade for several years,” says Mike Mayock of the Jaguars. David Garrard—yesterday’s garbage!!

9:03 pm: “He’s going to throw a little jerk route…” Drink!

9:03 pm: These analysts must have never watched Oklahoma play football when Bradford was there. NEVER remember Sam under center.

9:06 pm: So, this tweet is from a fan who hates the Jaguars. Who the hell hates the Jaguars?

9:07 pm: J.J. Watt is showing off that Rose Bowl ring as if…that will be his biggest achievement ever. Given that he’ll play for the Texans, that’s probably right.

9:12 pm: Hold on, now! Jake Locker likes the camo. That’s…something?

9:13 pm: Random, yet relevant tweet: “Blaine Gabbert: “I wanted to be a Jaguar.” A quarterback saying those words should trigger an instant drug test.” (via @YahooSportsNFL)

9:16 pm: This Jared Allen jersey guy at this Vikings draft party….and the Vikings draft Christian Ponder. Wait, what?

9:17 pm: Question from the audience: “What’s a West Coast toolset?” That’s a good damn question!

9:19 pm: I’m waiting for these guys to say, “I think this is a horrible pick.”

9:21 pm: Suh and Nick Fairley next to each other? They should go sack the Lions fan in a Lions Snuggie. But damn. These guys will hurt people.

9:25 pm: So, we couldn’t get a real camera at Andy Dalton’s house? It’s 2011, y’all. Only Oprah does Skype!!!

9:26 pm: Are we sure that’s not a picture of Champ Bailey, and not Robert Quinn? Although, we’re trying to figure out who the old blonde lady is…

9:28 pm: Why is Brian Baldinger yelling right now? Although, someone did a good job on his hair gel.

9:33 pm: Mike Pouncey with the Droid 2 Global!!! As you can tell, this draft is starting to wear me out.

9:34 pm: Another note: The fans have tired out from booing Goddell. This has only been going on for an hour and a half. And only 15 picks in.

9:41 pm: Joining us via Skype, The Fiancee!! While I’ve been hard at “work”, she was at a Belk sale that had a DJ. That sounds like a money trap.

9:43 pm: The Redskins draft Ryan Kerrigan. Played with his hand in the dirt his whole life, guys. At least that’s what Mike Mayock tells me.

9:45 pm: Stacey Dales isn’t showing cleavage. That has to be a victory for the NFL Network.

9:47 pm: They really have some dopey looking fans in the rafters at this draft.

9:49 pm: The Patriots made a pick?!!? Oh my! Nice to see that the fans are back on their boo flow. Hopefully that wasn’t over anyone’s head.

9:50 pm: Random, yet relevant tweet: “I guess the #NFL commissioner can dry his tears about being booed with all his stacks of money.” (via @ZenLizzie)

9:54 pm: I like the name Corey Liuget, only for the fact that all these analysts will screw it up. And no, I have no idea what the difference is from a one, three, and five technique.

9:58 pm: Mark Ingram is my kind of guy. Let’s trade beards, man!

10:00 pm: While the Giants are on the clock, Eli Manning just had two interceptions and four fumbles.

10:02 pm: Meanwhile, in Atlanta…another game down to the wire. The Hawks beat the Orlando Magic and go to the second round!

10:04 pm: Prince Amukamara, with the biggest lips in the NFL, goes to the Giants. And another Jill Scott Hat Alert! Drink!

10:09 pm: Another NFL race mixer in the house!!! Hey, interracial dating is a movement, y’all. But then again, there aren’t many black women in Iowa for Adrian Clayborn to get with…

10:14 pm: Oh, NOW I get the whole “plantiff suing the defendant” thing with Von Miller. Took me a while. It’s been a long evening.

10:18 pm: At 340 pounds, I’m not sure if “movement skills” will be that person’s strong suit…

10:21 pm: Peyton Hillis is looking like NEW MONEY, y’all!! Those shoes, though…

10:24 pm: Peyton went from a t shirt and jeans on ESPN yesterday to gator boots with the pimped out Gucci suit at the NFL Draft.

10:26 pm: Michael Irvin’s best moment tonight was coherently saying the word “biochemistry.”

10:31 pm: I don’t know why Goddell didn’t bring out these soldiers earlier. He wouldn’t have been booed!!!

10:34 pm: Danny Watkins’s girlfriend better enjoy those tan lines while she can. Won’t be tanning in Philly!!!

10:43 pm: Turns out that Skype + live blogging + TweetDeck + fantasy baseball tracker = a low laptop battery. Who knew?

10:44 pm: Very glad to see a black guy in a team’s draft room. Also, at least they’re not dressed up as if they’re going to a strip club later. (I’m looking at you, Dallas)

10:50 pm: For those of you scoring at home, “character guy”=bad. “High character guy’=good. And Michael Irvin is definitely a CHARACTER GUY. So, whatever.

10:52 pm: Darren McFadden—a top 100 player in the NFL right now? Uh, whatever you say, man.

10:55 pm: I wonder how much longer Mark Ingram’s beard will grow while he sits in the green room.

10:58 pm: Overall, the NFL Network’s coverage has been pretty decent. I would have replaced Michael Lombardi with Michael Irvin, though.

11:02 pm: Chaos! Nobody knows what the hell is going on, and I LOVE IT!!! Drink!!

11:04 pm: Well, I think we’ve figured out why teams have passed on Jimmy Smith. And, my mind is officially blown.

11:08 pm: Jimmy Smith is “getting the locker room he needs”, says Michael Irvin. I mean, Ray Lewis was only on trial for murder, right? And Irvin actually sliced a teammate’s throat because he wanted a haircut. He’s an expert on good locker rooms!!

11:11 pm: And oh yeah, Rick Ross Jr Mark Ingram went to the Saints. At least he’s not moving far!!

11:14 pm: I think this is the first time that two Heisman winners have been chosen in the first round, no?

11:19 pm: It would be great if Deion would shut the hell up about how these players feel about “not being picked as high as they thought they would be.” Nothing in life is guaranteed!!!

11:20 pm: Random, yet relevant tweet: “Mel Kiper will now look at the camera, a single drop of oil leaking from his eye: “YOU HAVE TAUGHT A ROBOT HOW TO CRY, MARK INGRAM.”” (via @edsbs)

11:24 pm: Random thought: Where are they getting some of these cameras from? I think they found a Hi8 camera for Muhammad Wilkerson’s draft party.

11:26 pm: These highlights of Wilkerson show him just throwing people around. Nice job by the Jets to get a guy who, you know, made plays in college.

11:27 pm: Cam Heyward, you’re already better than Vernon Gholston, that’s for sure.

11:32 pm: A month ago, a co-worker said that he would take DaQuan Bowers #1. Well, uh, about that.

11:37 pm: Somebody just mentioned that the pace of this first round has been phenomenal. Uh, what draft were they watching?!!?

11:37 pm: Having said that, Derek Sherrod is selected by the Green Bay Packers. My God, it’s over!!! I can finally get up and use the bathroom!!! I’m rolling my eyes at the fact that this guy has two first names.

And there we have it. I can’t believe that I wrote 2100+ words about a non-game. I don’t even remember most of these picks, much less whether they made sense. But hey, it was nice to have football back on the forefront!!! Hope you enjoyed it, and we’ll see if we can get a few more live blogs in before summer hits.

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