A Tuesday so crazy, it’s actually Terrific!

Posted: June 7, 2011 in Baseball, Basketball, Football, Music, NBA, NCAA, Playoffs, Sports

Author’s note: This post is best if read while watching this video. Over and over again, obviously.

And you thought that things couldn’t get any crazier than Plaxico Burress warranting attention, right? Normally, Tuesday is reserved for women who feel the need to share their breasts to everyone on Twitter. (Well, if you’re on Twitter, that is.) But, today was reserved for a bunch of sports stories that could all be the lead! Obviously, I felt compelled to write about it all! Don’t worry, this is not ranked in order of importance:

Terelle Pryor is leaving Ohio State:If you’re actually surprised by this, put your hand (either one, I don’t care which) about ten inches from your cheek. Move the hand away from you slowly, then strike yourself as hard as you can on your cheek. That’s right, you deserve to be slapped! Here are a few red flags about the announcement itself:
1. This was announced by his lawyer. How many college students have a lawyer?
2. I’m not saying that this smells fishy or anything, but, uh, isn’t he being investigated by the NCAA?
3. Pryor was going to miss five games this coming season. Did you really think he was going to stay?
Now, ESPN devoted time to this story on Sportscenter. I find this interesting because at the end of the Sugar Bowl, Pryor purposely avoided the question of whether he was returning or not next season. You may know the story: the only reason he was able to play the bowl game is because the Big Ten didn’t want to lose to the SEC again in a high profile bowl game he promised Jim Tressel that he would serve his suspension and play next season. Well, when your coach resigns, no need to hold your word, right?

But, what will Pryor do? Seriously, I can think of…three games where he actually made a difference. I’m sure you will see highlights of deep passes to wide open receivers, which is totally what he will see in the NFL (no, he won’t). He’s mediocre AT BEST. But hey, that makes him perfect for the UFL, I suppose.

Dirk Nowitzki says that Jason Terry has not been clutch: This actually “happened” yesterday evening. Here’s my problem with this entire situation: When, in fact, has Jason Terry EVER been “clutch”? And, if we could get rid of that word for the rest of the NBA’s existence, I’d be OK with that too. Anyway, if you’re dreaming of Terry’s three point barrage vs. the Lakers…please keep in mind that he was wide open on 975 percent of those shots (yes, I put that number there on purpose). So Dirk, I hope you realize that your team winning this title is going to be up to you. And maybe a few timely shots from Jason Terry. But that ain’t clutch, that’s playing your role.

Tiger Woods withdraws from the U.S. Open: Does no one have a problem with the fact that we’re taking Tiger’s word for this…even though all he’s done is announce this via a tweet? Has Anthony Weiner taught us nothing? PEOPLE RETRACT THEIR TWEETS ALL THE TIME!!! Also, can I go ahead and write Tiger Woods off? He went through a nasty divorce that was of his own doing. Let’s keep that in mind. He can chalk up his struggles to injury, but is a guy who was the epitome of fitness really suddenly breaking down so easily? I don’t think he has it anymore. I’m being serious. Talk to me when he starts winning tournaments. Because, in my mind, it’s not like he’s really been in any tournaments this year anyway.

NBC gets the Olympics through 2020: Perhaps they believe that the Mayan calendar is just a myth? In a related story, Comcast has put the Philadelphia 76ers up for sale. If you’re following along here still, NBC is owned by Comcast. I suppose that they’ll have to come up with the money for these Games somehow, right?

Colt McCoy’s wife runs her mouth: Colt McCoy is a (maybe the?) quarterback for the Cleveland Browns. He had a storied run at the University of Texas. I liked his wife since the story of their engagement was actually somewhat romantic. But then! Mrs. McCoy decided to run her mouth about the perks that players received while Colt was in Austin. I have to believe that Colt at least sighed once he heard this. Hell, I know I did. Rachel, you don’t have to share everything just because you’re asked, OK?

Bryce Harper is already a douchebag: Well, that didn’t take long! Bryce Harper is a hotshot prospect working his way through the minors as a member of the Washington Nationals. He felt the need to thank the pitcher during his home run trot last night. I…don’t think that’s very manly. Guys, when’s the last time you blew another guy a kiss? Anyway, apparently this is a “teachable moment.” Yeah, I’m sure it is. Next time these teams play, Harper’s getting beaned. As well he should. Probably not the best thing to already be a tool before you’ve seen a live Major League pitch. You’re good right now. There is no law stating that you always have to be good.

LeBron & Wade’s relationship: Excuse me while I go throw up. I know that most people with sense are not very fond of Jason Whitlock, but it’s hard to not agree with at least some of his views on this sudden possible trouble brewing between LeBron James and Dwyane Wade. It’s pretty comical. Can’t we just enjoy the game that happens on the court? Can’t Wade scold James, and vice versa, whenever they see fit (since, you know, they’re teammates and all)? If the Heat are winning games, does it really matter how?

I’m sure there were other moments worth mentioning about this silly Tuesday. But that’s for someone else to write! Let’s hope that things calm down a little tomorrow. I don’t have consecutive 1000 word posts in me!


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