The Bizarro Predicto Blog!!! (Part 2)

Posted: August 29, 2011 in Football, NCAA, Sports

This has been getting a bit out of control. In case you wanted to keep reading my thoughts about the ECU game, here’s a link to Part 1 of this all-fat preview.

C’mon guys, 4-2 ain’t that bad!!! And of course, I hope to be wrong. (Well, not really…) Anyway, I can’t help to wonder what the general expectation for the Gamecocks is at this point. As you read this/look for tickets/find that cheerleader outfit for your child to wear…how do you think this season will shake out? Is eight wins (considering the schedule/team history/relative common sense that the division will improve

A burning question for this year: Will someone give this guy a better hairdo?

overall) a reasonable expectation? (I promise that’s not blatant foreshadowing) I hope that you’ve been thinking about that (and not so much “when will this joke of a post end?”) while reading. Anyway, let’s go ahead and pick up on the second half of the season.

Oct 15: at Mississippi State
Now, isn’t Mississippi really easy to spell, all things considered? Wouldn’t you have a more difficult time spelling something like…Juneau? (the capital of Alaska, if you gave a damn) Anyway, I don’t need to look up “records for three consecutive conference road games” to know that this part of the schedule is pretty daunting. For a team that has been…meh on the road, I don’t care who you have on the team. Winning one out of three would actually be an accomplishment. Cowbells + rabid fans + a team on the upswing, looking for a big win=LOSS

Oct 29: at Tennessee
Say this about Derek Dooley: The man has the best hair of any coach in the SEC. And, he seems to

Eat your heart out, Les Miles

have this team going in the right direction. Hell, it helps to be the only men’s coach at the school who is actively following the rules. Actually, I see this as a revenge game for our garnet & black heroes. Anyone remember this game played Halloween weekend 2009? We played even uglier than the black jerseys the Vols Suck Balls wore. And, last year’s game was a bit too close (provided, Tyler Back Tat Bray played quite well). So, I’m feeling a bounce back big WIN in this spot.

Nov 5: at Arkansas
Interesting tidbit: I couldn’t name more than maybe four of the starters for the Gamecocks. The moral of that statement is that I am the perfect person to write about how the season will shake out. I remember the last time the Gamecocks won in Arkansas—2005. There was an epic 40ish yard TD pass in the wind to one Kenny McKinley from Blake Mitchell (Was it a high-low route combo? Do you care?). Arkansas is quite good. As much as it pains me to say that, it’s pretty true. Honestly, I’m thinking that the Gamecocks won’t be able to get out of town and back to Columbia fast enough. This is a LOSS. Let’s be real, folks.

Nov 12: vs. Texas A&M
Wanna know who would be EXCITED about this game? Texas A&M. Can someone tell me why the SEC would even want the Aggies? No, seriously. Because they have a big stadium? Because you’ll have an excuse to kiss your lover after a touchdown is scored? Quick, name a relevant Aggie player from the past 20 years, and Dat Nguyen does not count.

Don’t worry, I’ll wait.

It’s okay, you’re not going to find one. The biggest bowl game they’ve played in my lifetime? I suppose a Fiesta Bowl back in the mid 90s. There’s no sustained football success here!!! Why should the SEC be interested in a school that’s clearly just jealous of Texas? Here’s a way for people to care about Texas A&M: beat Texas. Stop trying to get picked up by the SEC, which would cause a conference Armageddon. Well, maybe that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. (If you haven’t picked up on it yet, the Gamecocks are not playing Texas A&M this year.)

Nov 12: vs. Florida
My favorite terms (Fire Meyer dot com! and Bourbon Meyer!!) are useless now that Bourbon Urban Meyer decided to hang up the headset and do television (and oh by the way, he’s actually really good!). Anyway, I really think that last year was the tipping point. While I’m confident that Florida will be much, much improved, The Head Ball Coach is good for at least one thing: Getting his players motivated for playing the Gators. Well, except for 2008. And, well, nothing would get me motivated more than seeing that my record is 5-4…WIN. Finally!!

Nov 19: vs. The Citadel
These cupcake games are stupid. If I was one of these FCS teams, I would refuse to play the big boys unless they came to play on my field. What would my team gain from being a walkover for you? It’s stupid and weak. But hey, that’s pretty much how every team in major college football operates. But then again, when your champion is decided by voters and computers and rankings and Magic 8 balls, should I really be surprised that these top teams are mostly a bunch of wimps? Anyway, don’t worry…this is a WIN also.

Nov 26: vs. Clemson
I’ll get this out of the way now: I think this will be a WIN. Now, here’s my question: What would you like to see done differently with this game? Apparently, this should be cared about on a national level. Yes, it’s the game between the two big schools in the state. Of course, the football history of both schools is pretty…middling AT BEST (as fast as you can say “national champions in 1982!” I can say “Danny Ford broke the rules. GTFOH.”). Also, rare is the time that both teams are even ranked, much less ranked highly (as in, Top 15 or higher). And, the average college football fan should care about this game because….? Is there a signature moment? A memorable, “OHMYGODICANTBELIEVETHATJUSTHAPPENED!!!” moment?

So, if we have answers to those questions, what else can be done? Should it be moved to Thursday again? Could it be the first game of the season? Does someone besides Hardee’s need to step in for the trophy (I’m looking at you, Jewelry Warehouse. There’s one thing that can happen in order for more people to care about this game: Both teams will have to be consistently stellar for a long period of time. Since that will take about 10 years at a minimum, then it’s on to changing something else (the date, name, trophy, etc.). What do you think it will take?

So, 8-4 it is! Besides, predicting 10-2 seasons is a bit boring, no? I hope you believe me when I say that I hope I’m wrong about this. I want an undefeated season, every year!! But, I watch way too much football to actually believe that undefeated seasons from the Gamecocks are something to be expected. Anyway, even a 9-3 season would tickle my fancy. Of course, should I be dead on with this, well, I told you so.

Jordy McKever writes for himself. Because, well, that’s pretty awesome to be that way. So hey says.

  1. zenlizzie says:

    I’m predicting 12-0.
    Plus, I don’t know what I’m talking about so that makes me the best to make predictions.

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