Archive for the ‘NFL’ Category

I know, I’ve been gone a while, you guys (and gals). I’ll be upfront: Ever since I found out what the other santorum meant, I’ve been too scarred to write. I’ve been taking it day by day, really. I think I’m finally on my way back. I appreciate all your potentially not giving a damns.

Here’s another thing: I haven’t written about the NFL at all this season! That’s ridiculous, right?!!? It’s not like I haven’t been watching (and talking) about football all season. As my girlfriend would probably gladly attest, I didn’t miss a beat this season. I just didn’t blog about it. Anyway, I figured that I’d unnecessarily throw my two cents in…because, y’all need it, right? Right?!!!??!!?? Anyway, here are a few things I picked up on throughout the season:

1. People like Tim Tebow.
Okay, I am one of those people. There were a lot of great things that happened this NFL season (the assault on passing records, the surprising debut of Cam Newton, the impact of less training camp due to the lockout). But the most talked about player was a guy who threw bounce passes on simple 10 yard comeback routes and completed fewer than 50 percent of his passes (and his team finished 9-9). I knew that people had already jumped the shark on Tebow when fans were calling into radio shows reading Revelation and equating that to Tim Tebow. Yes, guys, that really happened.

I don’t know where this Tebow thing is going. I’m still perfectly fine with not trying to “explain” it and letting it ride. And I’m also glad that the Broncos are no longer in the playoffs, simply because they really weren’t that good to begin with. I’m still embarrassed to say that he was the guy that got the most attention this season.

2. Great hype, as always, falls hard.
Remember when the Eagles signed all those players, Vince Young likened it to playing for a “dream team”, and the “experts” were convinced that the NFC title was their (Philly’s) birthright? Yeah…they didn’t make the playoffs. Or how the Packers were unstoppable, and there was a chance they’d go undefeated? Yeah, there were actual cries for the backup quarterback last week. Games are never won off the field, but you’d never know that sometimes.

3. Even grown men like to complain.
Here’s a new item to add to the ever expanding Football Drinking Game: When a receiver misses a pass while being defended and begs for a flag to be thrown. Or when any player begs for a flag to be thrown. Guaranteed to get you at least tipsy by halftime, if not the end of the first quarter. Sure, there are rules violations on every play. But I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to play your game and let the refs do their job. But hey, I think I’m making sense right now—and that just isn’t allowed in the NFL.

Okay, let’s talk actual games now! For what it’s worth, I do think that these are the four best teams remaining. Lots of incredible storylines: great uniforms, (49ers, Giants) old guys who are somehow gaining muscle mass, (Ray Lewis) players inexplicably coming up large in the clutch, (Alex Smith) the “old guard” gunning for another championship, (Tom Brady) the idiotic “nobody believed in us” line (well, Joe Flacco takes the cake here since his own defense seems to doubt him). So, who do I think will win?

(Home team in caps. Just in case you didn’t know)

PATRIOTS (-7) over Ravens
I wouldn’t trust the Ravens to take my trash out. I know that’s really harsh, but am I really supposed to believe in a team that lost by double digits at San Diego, could not get more than 10 points at Jacksonville, and got blindsided at Seattle? Really? The Ravens would get the trash outside, but somehow

"Oh my, that's a lot of plays..."

the trash would never get in the trash can. And then they’d blame it on like…a cat or something. And I actually like Joe Flacco. As a matter of fact, I think he’s a top 15 QB. Greg Cossell is a well-respected NFL nerd, and he thinks the Ravens are limited by:
1. Their receivers are terrible at separating from man coverage. Yeah, that’s not a good thing.
2. Their formations rarely offer a 3rd receiver. Only 8 plays with the 3rd wideout vs. the Texans last week. That would work—if this were 1982 and not 2012.
Say what you want about the defense, but I don’t think that it really scares the Patriots in any way whatsoever. Who’s going to cover the tight ends? Baltimore got 0 sacks against the Texans last week. Tom Brady was last sacked sometime in 1987. Yeah, that’s never a good thing. If the Ravens can go into Foxboro and beat this Patriot team, then I will tip the cap. But I just don’t see that happening today.

Giants (+1.5) over 49ERS
Truth be told: I just flipped a coin (best of 7) to see who I should pick to win this game. The coin said San Francisco. Yes, you can definitely make a case for the Niners. And yes, this is my favorite game of the two because:
-Both teams have terrific uniforms (the Giants road uni is the best in the NFL, and the Niners went back to their ever so classic design from the 80s). Hey, other NFL teams: Making a nice, classy looking uniform isn’t that hard!
-I’m not going to waste my time to look this up, but surely not one publication had this game in their season preview. I’m always excited about the unexpected!
Anyway, if the 49ers were to win this game, I’m pretty sure they’d be the most unlikely Super Bowl team

Awwww the Eli Face!!!

since…maybe the Rams in Super Bowl 34. (Okay, maybe the Cardinals from Super Bowl 43). Is that really going to happen? Can I really bank on San Francisco getting multiple turnovers (as they did in the regular season game vs. the Giants and against New Orleans) again? Do I think the Football Gods want to subject America to The Eli Manning Face? I’m answering all those questions with a “No”. It’s been a great ride, San Francisco. Hard to see tonight being your night.

Of course, if I’m wrong about all of this…pretend that I didn’t write any of it.


I’ve been wanting to write about both of these guys for a while now. So, consider it a double treat.

By popular request, here I am Tebowing for the strength to write this post.

Tim Tebow: Just let it ride, y’all.
I’m pretty sure that I’m a Tebowmaniac. No, I’m not convinced that he can lead the Broncos to the Super Bowl. Frankly, I don’t know if he could lead the Broncos to eight wins. However, I firmly believe that he belongs in the NFL, and this “thing” that he’s currently doing (It’s like snatching victory from the jaws of defeat, but more like actually going down the throat of defeat and yanking victory out of defeat’s esophagus) is working, whether I want to admit that or not. People talk about the “it” factor in sports often (probably too much). Somehow, Tim Tebow has been able to get his teammates, the city, and the most polarizing sports pundit in America to believe in him. That’s remarkable.

You may be surprised to know that Aaron Rodgers has 31 touchdown passes against just four interceptions this year. Or that there are four quarterbacks who have thrown for more than 3000 yards already this season. None of this has really mattered since Tim Tebow has entered the equation. I can honestly admit that his “classic quarterback” pedigree is nearly nonexistent. He’s not an accurate passer. Only Taylor Martinez has a worse throwing motion (probably on the entire planet). As a matter of fact, the reason why he runs so much (and has the 7:1 TD:INT ratio) is because he rarely throws it. Even with his success and popularity, it seems that the Broncos are still hoping to find a front-line quarterback in next year’s draft (Of course, you can’t convince me that John Elway knows what he’s doing yet, Von Miller not withstanding). It’s not fair to mention Tebow’s success without pointing out his shortcomings.

Even with his shortcomings, (and the notion that he did not “earn” the starting QB position in Denver) he is still the most discussed player in the NFL right now. The fascination with Tebow has carried over from college, and because the NFL is so popular, Tebow has infiltrated the mainstream. Peter King shared an email that he got from a guy who overheard two other guys in London arguing about Tebow’s merits as a quarterback. After Thursday night’s game, I posted this on Facebook:

Here’s my thing on Tebow: He’s the outlier. He can’t hit open receivers, his throwing motion looks like a root canal I think, but he makes things happen. No rhyme or reason. BUT WE DON’T NEED ONE. Just let the good, really unbelievable times roll.

I followed that up with this:

People spend so much time talking about how he can’t throw. Or how bad he looks out on the field. Or how they would be offended if they only threw 8 passes in a game (SHUT UP STEVE YOUNG). Sometimes, there are things you can’t explain. I’ve been watching football for 20 years, and I sure as hell can’t explain THIS. So…I won’t. I’ll just watch and spaz out on Twitter when Tebow does what he did in the fourth quarter tonight.

I’m not saying that you should do exactly as I have (though the world would be a better place if you did!) when it comes to Tebow. But whether we like it or not, this Tebow wave will last for as long as he’s in the NFL. Instead of letting it affect your blood pressure, just let. It. Ride.

Dabo Swinney
I’m going to put it on the table, folks: Dabo Swinney is my favorite coach in any sport. Ever. That is pretty delusional coming from someone who roots for the Gamecocks. (But Clemson is our RIVAL, right? Well, “they’ve” beaten “us” almost twice as many times as “we’ve” beaten “them”…so it’s really difficult for me to really have any hatred toward Clemson.) Here’s a little trivia about Dabo: His real name is William Swinney. He got the name “Dabo” from his family because his brother was trying to say “that boy”–but apparently “Dabo” came out instead (and yes, I got that from Wikipedia, so I “know it’s real”).

I’m not sure what the general consensus on Swinney is. Opinions seem to range from “he’s a bumbling idiot who’s nothing more than a glorified cheerleader” to “he’s only good because he has Rob Spence as an offensive coordinator!” Three thoughts here:
1. Swinney majored in business administration at Alabama, and was on the All-SEC Honor Roll team in college.
2. The Tigers were in the ACC conference championship in 2009. It’s not like they suddenly got good.
3. Sure, we’ve seen Happy Dabo. Even more than once. Is this really supposed to be a bad thing?

I’m sold on the guy. This is really cliche, but Clemson really seems to take on the personality of their coach. When they’re playing well, they’re full of energy. It’s almost like they come in an unstoppable wave. At the end of the game, there’s Dabo saying something that will get you fired up (or at least that’s the intent). Maybe I’m just used to Mr. Fidgety I Usually Hate What My Team Is Doing (Steve Spurrier). Maybe I’m easily influenced. Maybe it’s a little of both. Either way, I think it’s time that you should start appreciating him. He’s a breath of fresh air to the tight-lipped coaches that are full of football speak.

(Of course, if this Daboslurp I’m pulling results in a Gamecock victory Saturday, then I’ll do this every year.)

How are Tebow and Dabo related? Well, most of their detractors are convinced that both are all hype. Also, I seem to work myself up in a pretty good lather whenever talking about either individual. Also, they’re white men who have mentioned Jesus in postgame interviews. That’s four things! So, obviously this post makes complete sense! I’m sure that your minds are already made up about either guy. But it’s nice to see another point of view…every few years or so.

What are your thoughts on Tim Tebow? What about Dabo Swinney? Do you think that either person will ever be properly evaluated by fans/journalists/critics?

It’s the start of another NFL season. OF COURSE I’M DOING A DAMN LIVE BLOG TONIGHT!!! You know the drill. We go on all game, with a little bit of college (Oklahoma State-Arizona), tennis, (US Open) baseball, (Mets-Braves) and maybe even some Jersey Shore. So, sit tight and enjoy, fools!

Brees! Rodgers! It's the NFL on NBC!!

8:42 pm: And we are ¡EEEEENNNNNNNNNNNNNN VIVOOOO! from the House Formerly Known as The ManZone. Aaron Rodgers just completed a pass to the NFL’s best player, Jordy Nelson.

8:43 pm: And don’t worry, the is in effect for tonight. And every night! (That there’s a football game)

8:45 pm: I don’t know why Chris Collinsworth is acting like he doesn’t recognize the LEGENDARY greatness of Jordy Nelson. Act like you know, man!

8:46 pm: In other news, today Meggen and I went to Darlington to give blood…so that we could ride a couple of laps in a pace car around the track. That’s what fun people do, obviously.

8:51 pm: And the Saints seem intent on keeping the tradition of the home team winning these kickoff games alive…

8:54 pm: If you can name the colleges that these players went to before they name them in the video introductions…congratulations! You need to get a life.

8:56 pm: Random, yet relevant tweet from SC_DougFarrar: “If you’re playng zone defense, it really helps if everyone wearing the same uniform agrees with you.”

8:57 pm: And suddenly, I realize that eating a large sub from Firehouse Subs was probably not the best idea. Might need to call in the bullpen to finish this post.

8:58 pm: Chris Collinsworth just noted that the Saints don’t seem to have an answer for Jermichael Finley. Did they not know he was playing?

9:00 pm: Got an alert on my ESPN Fantasy Football app that someone on my bench was projected to score more than Jordy Nelson this week. How dare they question the legendary greatness of that guy? I mean, c’mon guys!!!

9:02 pm: More Jordy news: Apparently I hurt my tibia doing jump lunges with a shoulder press. I mean, how could something like that happen?

9:03 pm: Olin Kruetz plays for the Saints now? Oh my!

9:04 pm: You know it’s football season when the commentators are making up emotions for the players. How does Al Michaels KNOW that Darren Sproles is frustrated?

9:08 pm: Drew Brees with a beautiful pass to Robert Meachem for the touchdown. Wait, there’s another solid quarterback in this game? Next thing you’ll tell me is that the Saints won the Super Bowl two years ago.

9:11 pm: Okay, NFL. Let’s admit that this kicking off from the 35 was a stupid idea. There’s no such thing as safety when all these guys are fast, muscle bound, and weight more than 200 pounds. So, just let them knock each other out!

9:14 pm: Lots of hubbub about the Saints holding offseason workouts even while the lockout was going on. Well, I suppose that the Packers had to be working on something, right?

9:15 pm: Thank God that Randall Cobb is no longer at Kentucky to end up wide open in the end zone vs. the Gamecocks terrorize SEC defenses.

9:17 pm: I’ll tell you this much though: Randall Cobb will get enough of diving into the end zone like that.

9:19 pm: Nice to see that Al Michaels is talking about things that I mentioned five minutes ago. Is he reading my live blog?

9:21 pm: Random, yet stupid tweet courtesy of jimrome: “Yeah, I don’t think Aaron Rodgers liked all that “The Eagles are the Dream Team” talk.” Yeah, the only person who referred to the Eagles as A “dream team” was Vince Young. Who plays on the team. Who also scored a -51 on the Wonderlic. So excuse him for making statements that aren’t THAT smart. People ran that “dream team” quote into the fucking ground. Seriously? STOP HYPE MONGERING, PLEASE. It’s not okay for Vince Young to say that this was a team that most players would dream to be on? Pretty sure that’s what he meant.

9:24 pm: Do these secondaries really suck, or are these quarterbacks pretty damn good? Extremely impressive throw on the move by Drew Brees.

9:28 pm: BREAKING NEWS—Mark Ingram won the Heisman Trophy while at Alabama.

9:28 pm: Where the hell is Michelle Tafoya? Shouldn’t she be finding out why the Saints players keep slipping down on this side of the field? Or is she putting in more hairspray?

9:33 pm: I couldn’t watch Jon Kasay and his giant legs kick that field goal for the Saints. It hurts too much.

9:35 pm: Meanwhile, on ESPN…Lou Holtz is drooling all over the place. And seductive moves by the cheerleaders during the halftime show!!! Oh my!

9:38 pm: And, well, the Saints are back in the game. Darren Sproles was just untouched going into the end zone. Some defensive points if you have the Saints D!!

9:41 pm: Even Eminem and Nate Dogg can’t get me excited about a movie about…robots boxing.

9:42 pm: Guess who just realized that he has Darren Sproles on the bench on his fantasy team??

9:44 pm: Michelle finally said something about the players slipping. Of course, what’s on the field could just be her hairspray.

9:47 pm: Donald Driver would be that annoying parent who posts any and everything about his wife’s pregnancy on Facebook. I’m sorry, yes. I went there. Congratulations to his family, though. (I mean that!)

9:50 pm: I love it when both teams are pointing at each other after a false start/offsides penalty. Y’all can’t both be right!!

9:52 pm: I’ve watched way too much football when I’m saying, “Man, Scott Shanle should pull up his damn pants.”

9:53 pm: Flips channel to Sportsouth. Sees a Kay Jewelers engagement ring commercial. Flips channel back. Too soon, guys. Tooooooo soon.

9:54 pm: My fantasy football team names—the Hip Hop Hippopotamuses, (where Aaron Rodgers is my QB) the Cape Fear Carpet Munchers, and the LiLo (for Lindsay Lohan, obviously) Labias. Lots of female body parts involved

9:55 pm: Maybe Collinsworth is watching a different game. That ball would have been very tough to intercept. Alas, the Packers score a touchdown on the ground.

9:58 pm: Meanwhile, in Flushing Meadows…Roger Federer is one of the few tennis players that doesn’t make a sound when he’s hitting the ball. He’s also won 16 major championships. So, yeah.

9:59 pm: I do appreciate how John McEnroe is well on the point with his analysis. He never really gives any fluff. What a novel idea!

10:03 pm: Back to Green Bay! Saints out of timeouts, 3rd and 2 in their territory…and Brees connects with Darren Sproles for a nice conversion. They know how to play football too??

10:04 pm: Very nice PBU by Eric Walden. Because Jimmy Graham was going to catch that ball and run for a little bit.

10:07 pm: I think the ESPN Sunday NFL Countdown show has a few too many guys. Just sayin.

10:12 pm: Well, it’s halftime. If you cared about the score, the Packers are leading 28-17. Of course, that’s if you actually cared about the game.

10:19 pm: Meanwhile, in Stillwater…why in the world are they talking to T. Boone Pickens about…anything? ALL HE DOES IS GIVE MONEY.

10:22 pm: Meanwhile, in Flushing Meadows…Nice job by Tsonga to ward off the buzzsaw that is Roger Federer. Got a break back. Like I know what that means.

10:26 pm: And it’s back to football in Green Bay. If I say that ever again, you have my permission to come punch me in the face.

10:29 pm: Random, yet relevant tweet from TFG_Wiseguy: “You know what they say, defense wins championships”

10:31 pm: And, almost on cue..a huge 3rd down sack by the Packers.

10:34 pm: The Saints sure do know how to not tackle. Tremendous return by Randall Cobb.

10:37 pm: And, this Playboy Club series looks pretty stupid. Yup.

10:42 pm: Al Michaels found a very fancy way to say that Devery Henderson never stepped out of bounds. “There was just a little sliver of green…” Shut up. 35-27, Packers. Shout out to whoever took the over!

10:45 pm: Man, there are going to be a lot of crappy new shows on this fall. Good thing football’s back!

10:51 pm: Meanwhile, in Queens…the Braves were able to sweep the doubleheader from the Mets. And it was done in front of about 14 fans.

10:53 pm: Don’t worry, Charles Woodson will get a $500,000 fine for throwing that punch.

11:03 pm: It’s hard out here for a blogger! Geez, 35-27 Green Bay at the end of the 3rd quarter. New Orleans went for it on 4th and inches inside the ten. Which has me thinking that Lane Kiffin is calling the plays.

11:07 pm: Meanwhile…in Flushing Meadows, Roger Federer just whiffed big time on returning a Tsonga serve. Of course, Tsonga returns the favor by double faulting away a break point that Roger had. Way to stay in the game, buddy!

11:09 pm: Federer is now serving for the match. Did you know that he’s been in seven straight US Open semifinals? Better yet, did you care?

11:12 pm: After blowing the Wimbeldon quarterfinal vs. Tsonga, Roger returns the favor by laying the smackdown 6-4, 6-3 and 6-3.

11:13 pm: Meanwhile, in Green Bay…apparently the Packers scored a touchdown while I was watching tennis. Oh, bummer.

11:15 pm: Big play by the Packers defense. But Chris Collinsworth just praised one of the defensive backs for Green Bay who, in the previous play, led with his head to make a tackle. Because, that’s smart and all.

11:24 pm: Meanwhile, the Saints just figured out that it’s okay to try, and succeed, at tackling Aaron Rodgers.

11:25 pm: Somewhat sorry about the delay. I just spent three minutes watching Nikki Haley talk to Greta van Sustren. Say what you want about the lady’s politics. She’s the best looking politician on this planet.

11:27 pm: Truth be told: I don’t remember a damn thing she said.

11:28 pm: 42-27, Packers. There is not plenty of time. The Saints have tackled the Packers like 2.4 times all game.

11:30 pm: Tonight’s Horse Trailer Player of the Game: Michelle Tafoya’s hairspray. Causing problems all night!

11:31 pm: Of course, just in case you didn’t see enough replays of Williams’s arm bending the wrong way, NBC just had it in super slow mo!!

11:32 pm: Chris Collinsworth said that they would have a full report on the injury as soon as information was available. That’s assuming that Michelle is still at the stadium, even.

11:34 pm: And…at 11:34 pm, we get our first LASER throw and catch of the season. Many more to come, I hope. Unless you’re watching the Panthers.

11:35 pm: TERRIFIC play design by the Saints there. Quick pump, fake the run, TE leak out to the flat, he’s wide the fuck open. I just got aroused from that.

11:44 pm: Of course, the question in my mind is…how does Green Bay blow this?

11:46 pm: And on the LAST PLAY of the game…are we about to get a pass interference call in the end zone?!!?

11:49 pm: And this wild ass football game ends…on a goal line stand. We go from 2011 to 1951 on one play!

11:51 pm: 42-34, Packers. Nice job by the Packers on keeping the gas to the floor throughout most of the game. Decent job by New Orleans to battle back…but those boys need to learn how to tackle. You can question the two short yardage calls by Sean Payton, but hey…he’s probably going to call about 1,000 plays this year? Can’t really get our panties in a wad about two that didn’t go their way. Very entertaining game. And…Michelle Tafoya is back doing her job! Missed you all game. Not really. Thanks for reading, folks!!!

I just practiced my dance for the College Gameday theme song. I gave myself an eight out of ten. Rounding into form, folks!!!

I touched on this briefly in a post last year, but since this is the first full slate of games, why not make it worth your time to drink with a purpose??? Here is a quick list of reasons to actually take a drink while you’re watching games today, or throughout the season:

1. When a coach challenges a play
2. Generic football phrases (e.g. ‘point of attack,’ ‘when you look at/talk about’, ‘physical’, ‘downhill runner’)
3. When the quarterback licks his fingers
4. When Lee Corso says, “Not so fast, my friend”
5. DirecTV NFL commercials
6. Any mention or sighting of Matt Jones
7. Any mention of Brett Favre
8. Lou Holtz pep talks or Dr. Lou sessions
9. Sexual phrases (e.g. “Their deepest penetration of the night”)
10. Shirtless fan shots

Feel free to add other suggestions for this drinking game! And, please don’t drive if you actually plan on doing this with any regularity. Enjoy the games!!!

She Needs (your) Help!!

Posted: August 31, 2011 in Football, NFL, Sports

Yes, I know I owe y’all some division by division NFL team previews. I have time! I mean, the NFL is still in a lockout, right?

Okay, you may not know Meggen. But don’t worry, you’ll get to know her over time. Last year, Meggen was a bandwagon Colts fan. I guess that wasn’t fulfilling enough, because now she’s looking for another team. And, considering that Peyton Manning was just removed from the Physically Unable to Perform list, (wouldn’t it be funny/sad/but still kinda funny if there was a database of guys that women could search for, um, other things?) I think Meggen’s jumping off the bandwagon at the right time.

Anyway, what does this have to do with me, or you? Well, I like to write about sports. Also, I forced asked Meggen to come up with five teams she would root for, and I would write about them. Of course, if you cared about Meggen’s well-being, you should vote for which team she should root for. That’s not so bad, is it? So, here we go.

Carolina Panthers
Her take: I feel somewhat of an obligation to root for them. They are the closest thing I have to a hometown team. Granted I’ve been anti-Panthers for their entire existence, but that was only because I hate their font and I’m not a fan of that blue. Though, the blue is growing on me. So maybe it’s time to come around.
Last year: 2-14
Inception, all time record: 1995, 125-141
Best season: 2003, finished 11-5, lost in Super Bowl 39 to the Patriots
Worst season: All of the other ones 2001, finished 1-15. George Seifert, ladies and gentlemen!
Hall of Famers: Zero
-Easy to get good coverage on the team since they’re local
-Can’t hurt to root for a team with “Carolina” in the name, no?
-Cam Newton!
-If somebody gets out of line, Steve Smith will punch their lights out
-They were really bad last year. They’ll probably be really bad this year
-If somebody gets out of line, Steve Smith will punch their lights out
-Let’s be honest here: Are you a fan of their colors?

New Orleans Saints
Her take: It’s Nawlins baby! I love New Orleans. It’s one of my favorite cities in the US… not that I’ve been to all of them, but even if I had, I’m sure it would still be in my top 5. I’m even talking post-Katrina. The street corner music, the jambalaya, the beads, the hand grenades, the beignets, the fried alligator… life doesn’t get better than that. Any team that plays there is worthy of my adoration.
Last year: 11-5, lost in the first round of the playoffs to the Seahawks
Inception, all time record: 1967, 291-390
Best season: 2009, finished 13-3, won Super Bowl 43
Worst season: 2005, finished 3-13, and, that Hurricane Katrina thing…
Hall of Famers: Eight (Although Rickey Jackson and Jim Finks are the only ones chosen due to their time with New Orleans)
-They’re really good right now!
-Reggie Bush is no longer there!
-The Superdome is loud and intimidating
-A very strong franchise
-That stupid “Who dat” phrase
-The Saints have a lot of bandwagon fans. That’s annoying to me
(Okay, maybe rooting for the Saints wouldn’t be so bad at all…)

Y'all remember the South Park episode where Cartman was trying to find his dad, right?

Denver Broncos
Her take: This all started because one day Jordy was complaining about the hype around the QB controversy in Denver. You remember, “Will it be Orton? Will it be Tebow? It’s Tebow and his ginormous biceps… no, it’s Orton!!!” And my response to Jordy’s complaining was, “Maybe I’ll start rooting for the Broncos.” Also, in Denver’s defense, it too ranks in my top 5 favorite US cities. The scenery is gorgeous and the drinks there are cheap.
Last season: 3-13–but they drafted Tim Tebow (Yeah, it was a disaster still, folks)!!!
Inception, all time record: 1960, 398-364
Best season: 1998–finished 14-2, won Super Bowl 33 over the Dirty Birds Atlanta Falcons
Worst season: Probably last year.
Hall of Famers: Eight
-Tim Tebow!
-John Fox did have success in Carolina when the organization gave a damn
-Sound players all around (Dumervill, Moreno, Brandon Lloyd, Kyle Orton)
-That lady riding on a horse. (Scroll down)
-Tim Tebow
-Those horrendous uniforms.

New York Giants
Her take: My mom’s family is from upstate NY. So NY state has a special place in my heart. Though the Giants play in New Jersey, they have New York in their name and that’s good enough for me! It doesn’t hurt that a Manning plays for them either!
Last season: 10-6, missed playoffs
Inception, all time: 1925(?!!?), 636-524-33
Best season: 1986–went 14-2, won Super Bowl 25
Worst season: Honestly, this was hard to find. But, 1995–finished 5-11
Hall of Famers: 27(!!!)
-My God, they’ve been around a long time!
-Classic looking helmets
-And, good lord, they’ve been good forever!!!
-Really, you can put the first con there and multiply it by seven million

Indianapolis Colts
Her take: Peyton Manning. I’ve been rooting for him since he was at Tennessee. He’s your classic good-ole boy. Not to mention I had a huge crush on him when he was in college, but that was before I saw him without a helmet. Anyhow, Peyton is the only reason I have to root for Indianapolis and he won’t even be there for the first few games! He IS coming back, I don’t care what you say. Oh wait, there’s a dude who’s last name is translated “Boy”. (Pierre Garçon) That’s kinda cool.
Last season: 10-6, won NFC South
Inception, all time record: 1953, 466-412-7
Best season: 1970–went 13-2, won Super Bowl 5 over the Cowboys
Worst season: Probably this upcoming season 1991–went 1-15. Hey, just like the Panthers!
Hall of Famers: 10 players, 2 coaches
-Consistently good
-Lucas Oil Stadium looks nice!
-Peyton Manning! I hear he’s alright
-Jim Caldwell is not a good coach
-Yeah, that’s really it

So, there you have it. Who should Meggen root for?

As you may have already realized, I like long titles. Anyway, the 91st NFL season is right around the corner. That’s right, 91 seasons!!! The National Football League has been around almost long enough to become a revered South Carolina senator. Anyway, since the season is coming up, I figured that I would give my unfiltered, void of any real research thoughts on every team. Because that’s probably going to be a lot of words, I might as well break them up by division, right? Today, we’re rocking with the AFC East. Enjoy, mutha’uckas!

(Not listed in expected order of finish, because..frankly, I could care less how this division shakes out)

Miami Dolphins
I mean, this team is up there for most poorly run, right? Flash back to the end of last season. Stephen Ross tried hard to get Tony Sporano out of town (Let’s be honest, he seems to be a pretty crappy coach). He went after Jim Harbaugh, Jon Gruden, hell–I wouldn’t be surprised if he tried to place a call to Christine O’Donnell (ANYBODY but Sporano, right?). When that didn’t work out, Ross tried to make nice and have a press conference to announce that Sporano would remain the coach. Only thing is…Tony wanted no part of that (good for you, man!). Anyway, when your QB’s feelings are hurt because he’s getting booed, and your coach wouldn’t outright say that the team wouldn’t consider Brett Favre as an option, and when Serena Williams is part owner of your football team…well, that’s just dumb. Anyway, hard to like their chances with Henne at quarterback, playing in that dump in Miami Gardens, and, well, having a retarded dolphin as their logo. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

New York Jets
I know that Rex Ryan is an easy joke topic, but the man gets results, right? Two consecutive conference championship games. Undoubtedly running his mouth and (mostly) backing it up. Have any of the moves made since he’s been in town backfired (drafting Sanchez, LDT, Shon Greene, Cromartie, hell—even Jason Taylor made a relevant tackle or two)? His motto has been to win every game, which—well, it makes a hell of a lot of sense. Anyway, it’s hard to tell if it’s cool or uncool to be pro-Jets. But, when have they ever been consistently good? When did they ever have an era of success like New England/Indianapolis? While I’m not big on Plaxseed Oil as a relevant addition, it’s not like they lost anything relevant.

Buffalo Bills
Hey, those uniforms sure are pretty!!! That’s about as good as it gets for Buffalo. Also, I went to the game when the Panthers hosted Buffalo, and I liked the tenacity of their fans. See? TWO NICE THINGS!!! Anyway, the owner of the Bills is 943 years old, and they actually play a regular season game in Canada as a way to generate revenue. This is a franchise that is stuck in the past. I wonder if they think, “Well hey, we used to be good, so our old-time fans will always remember that, right?” Having Chan Gailey as your coach is a great idea…if he actually had a proven track record as a head coach (I do like the guy as a…guy. So that makes it three nice things, right?). Also, the Bills released/traded two guys that they made a major investment in—Aaron Maybin (0 sacks in two years, just as many as my mom had!) and Lee Evans. Stranger things have happened, I know. But the Bills as a legitimate playoff contender? Yeah, that would be a bit outrageous.

New England Patriots
Was last year a success for New England? 14-2, blowing out people with regularity at the end of the year, an MVP award for Tom Brady, all in a year that the team was supposed to be rebuilding.

But did you WATCH that playoff game vs. the Jets?

It wasn’t pretty. The Patriots were outplayed by a lot. Was that just a bad game? What about the previous year vs. Baltimore? Are we supposed to pretend that those games didn’t happen? Also, should I just assume that Chad Johnson and Albert Haynesworth will just fit in and actually improve the team? I know that the conventional thought is “yes”, but I really don’t have a lot of confidence about it. Of course, they’ve been playing at a pretty high level for the past 9 or ten years. It would have to stop at some point, right?

Thanks for reading! Be sure to check back up until the start of the NFL season as I babble about each team in the league. Hopefully I’ll have another one of these up by the end of the week.

NFL Draft Blog EN VIVO!!!

Posted: April 28, 2011 in Football, NFL, Sports

Never been a fan of the NFL Draft stage. You make billions of dollars, and this is the best you can do?

That’s right, I still know how to write!! Good evening, and welcome to the (still) Two Fifths Man Zone!!! We’ll have a cast of characters tonight as I live blog the NFL Draft. Keep in mind, the NFL as we knew it February 6 does not…really exist. But hey, why not treat a bunch of guys who have yet to play an NFL down like they’re All Pros!!! Anyway, the goal is to post every thirty minutes with…something. Keep clicking and enjoying!!

7:47 pm: Tonight’s lineup at the Two-Fifths ManZone—
-Yours truly
-The versatile ZenLizzie
-Meggen The Roommate
-Dos Equis Lager Especial
-Chips, popcorn chicken, cookies, Pizza Rolls
-Hopeful cameos from The Fiancee And God’s Gift to the Dog Spieces
(It’s a big deal around here, y’all)

7:52 pm: And oh by the way, we’re like ten minutes away from the draft, and I’m already getting hypothetical transactions. Put it this way: It hasn’t happened until it happens, people!

7:56 pm: I should probably share my quick thoughts on “what I think the Panthers should do.” I really don’t think that they have to draft Cam. Does anyone remember that the Panthers drafted three guys who played quarterback in college—last year?!!?!? No, really, it happened! (Yes, Armanti Edwards played QB in college) Also, does anyone remember a guy named Matt Moore? Wasn’t he supposed to be the answer? How much time did he have to show something? Also, let’s not pretend like the statistics show that drafting someone with as little experience as Cam Newton isn’t the best idea. The Panthers don’t have the first pick because they were good last year, you know. It’s not even about risk. Drafting Cam Newton isn’t necessary. (OK, so this wasn’t necessarily a quick thought)

8:02 pm: Well, it’s all said and done. Why did I write that passage above again? Also, Steve Mariucci just said that the phone call Cam Newton got was “important.” My question is: Do people still talk on the phone?

8:04 pm: Can I lay money on “Odds that Roger Goddell is in tears by the end of the first round because people kept booing”?

8:05 pm: I can guarantee you that there is one place on this Earth where the people are not happy about this selection. Right here!!

8:06 pm: Is this draft in Philly or in New York? They’re booing everything! And I don’t understand what Michael Irvin is saying. Time for the captions!!

8:07 pm: Whatever. Hey Cam, I know someone who is ready to sell you a house!!!

8:08 pm: Marshall Faulk wants to see the rest of Carolina’s draft. He’s going to have to wait a while…

8:10 pm: Here’s how that interview should have gone.
Deion: What’s the first thing you gonna do for Mama?
Cam: Give my mom a grandchild!! Oh, wait—

8:12 pm: If my name were Von Miller, I’d probably be crying from people saying my name. IT’S VON FREAKING MILLER, FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!!

8:14 pm: Fourteen minutes in, and Mike Mayock throws out a “burst.” Drink! But Von, about those glasses…

8:15 pm: The Broncos have some NAMES. Von Miller, Elvis Dumervill, Champ Bailey. Man oh man.

8:17 pm: Random, yet relevant tweet: “Von Miller with the come-to-Jesus cry. That’s the I-had-too-much-yak-last-night cry and now I need hand myself to the Lawd.” (from @jemelehill)

8:19 pm: C’mon, NFL, give me some intrigue! SEND A DAMN TEXT TO THESE GUYS!!!

8:20 pm: Uh oh, who are those white people with Marcell? Another guy from Alabama who’s a race mixer? Oh my!!! Brave man!!!

8:22 pm: Sorry Mike, but it’s not really impressive when someone’s blowing by a Gamecock offensive lineman. Just saying.

8:23 pm: “The Lordwon’t put more on you than you can bear.” Is that the player’s anthem for this draft?

8:24 pm: Wait, was A.J. Green talking on a Game Boy? That’s a huge ass phone.

8:24 pm: I’m definitely going to drink each time I see that gold hat in the crowd. Is Jill Scott performing at halftime?

8:26 pm: “A whole different type of person,” says Michael Irvin of A.J. Green. Crack kills, y’all.

8:28 pm: Random, yet relevant tweet: “Reminder: the only thing NFL owners and NFL players agree on is taking money from these nice boys in suits. That won’t make the telecast.” (via @joe_sheehan)

8:30 pm: Nice tie, Patrick Peterson! This is a good pick for Arizona. Also, that edge up is sharp.

8:31 pm: LES MILES WITHOUT A HAT ON. You cannot be serious!!!

8:34 pm: I’m just going to throw this out there. I’m not on board with this Julio Jones pick. Although, I think Gucci Mane’s dad is at his table…

8:37 pm: Seriously. Who were the best receivers in college football last year? Some of them are still in school, yes. But Julio Jones was not one of them. Sorry, he’s not worth the sixth pick. Tell me the last first round WR that made an instant impact. And Keyshawn Johnson is too easy.

8:41 pm: I’m waiting for someone to tell me why Alex Smith is still “in the picture.”

8:43 pm: Mike Mayock was concerned about the tightness in Aldon Smith’s hips. Drink!

8:44 pm: Seriously, though. This draft is moving at warp speed. The Titans haven’t won a playoff game since 2003. The Bills haven’t played in a playoff game since then. So, whatever. Stop with the negative, NFL Network!!

8:45 pm: Jake Locker goes number eight to the Titans. Wait, what?

8:49 pm: Locker’s completion percentage in college? 45 percent!?!? I think that’s a bit low.

8:50 pm: All these “war rooms” are full of middle aged to old white men. For a league that’s majority black. Yup, sounds about right.

8:53 pm: The Cowboys still have loyal fans, seriously. They just picked a guy with a wingspan like a pterodactyl. Damn right, son!

8:56 pm: Jill Scott Hat Alert! Drink!!!

9:00 pm: “It’s a position they’ve been trying to upgrade for several years,” says Mike Mayock of the Jaguars. David Garrard—yesterday’s garbage!!

9:03 pm: “He’s going to throw a little jerk route…” Drink!

9:03 pm: These analysts must have never watched Oklahoma play football when Bradford was there. NEVER remember Sam under center.

9:06 pm: So, this tweet is from a fan who hates the Jaguars. Who the hell hates the Jaguars?

9:07 pm: J.J. Watt is showing off that Rose Bowl ring as if…that will be his biggest achievement ever. Given that he’ll play for the Texans, that’s probably right.

9:12 pm: Hold on, now! Jake Locker likes the camo. That’s…something?

9:13 pm: Random, yet relevant tweet: “Blaine Gabbert: “I wanted to be a Jaguar.” A quarterback saying those words should trigger an instant drug test.” (via @YahooSportsNFL)

9:16 pm: This Jared Allen jersey guy at this Vikings draft party….and the Vikings draft Christian Ponder. Wait, what?

9:17 pm: Question from the audience: “What’s a West Coast toolset?” That’s a good damn question!

9:19 pm: I’m waiting for these guys to say, “I think this is a horrible pick.”

9:21 pm: Suh and Nick Fairley next to each other? They should go sack the Lions fan in a Lions Snuggie. But damn. These guys will hurt people.

9:25 pm: So, we couldn’t get a real camera at Andy Dalton’s house? It’s 2011, y’all. Only Oprah does Skype!!!

9:26 pm: Are we sure that’s not a picture of Champ Bailey, and not Robert Quinn? Although, we’re trying to figure out who the old blonde lady is…

9:28 pm: Why is Brian Baldinger yelling right now? Although, someone did a good job on his hair gel.

9:33 pm: Mike Pouncey with the Droid 2 Global!!! As you can tell, this draft is starting to wear me out.

9:34 pm: Another note: The fans have tired out from booing Goddell. This has only been going on for an hour and a half. And only 15 picks in.

9:41 pm: Joining us via Skype, The Fiancee!! While I’ve been hard at “work”, she was at a Belk sale that had a DJ. That sounds like a money trap.

9:43 pm: The Redskins draft Ryan Kerrigan. Played with his hand in the dirt his whole life, guys. At least that’s what Mike Mayock tells me.

9:45 pm: Stacey Dales isn’t showing cleavage. That has to be a victory for the NFL Network.

9:47 pm: They really have some dopey looking fans in the rafters at this draft.

9:49 pm: The Patriots made a pick?!!? Oh my! Nice to see that the fans are back on their boo flow. Hopefully that wasn’t over anyone’s head.

9:50 pm: Random, yet relevant tweet: “I guess the #NFL commissioner can dry his tears about being booed with all his stacks of money.” (via @ZenLizzie)

9:54 pm: I like the name Corey Liuget, only for the fact that all these analysts will screw it up. And no, I have no idea what the difference is from a one, three, and five technique.

9:58 pm: Mark Ingram is my kind of guy. Let’s trade beards, man!

10:00 pm: While the Giants are on the clock, Eli Manning just had two interceptions and four fumbles.

10:02 pm: Meanwhile, in Atlanta…another game down to the wire. The Hawks beat the Orlando Magic and go to the second round!

10:04 pm: Prince Amukamara, with the biggest lips in the NFL, goes to the Giants. And another Jill Scott Hat Alert! Drink!

10:09 pm: Another NFL race mixer in the house!!! Hey, interracial dating is a movement, y’all. But then again, there aren’t many black women in Iowa for Adrian Clayborn to get with…

10:14 pm: Oh, NOW I get the whole “plantiff suing the defendant” thing with Von Miller. Took me a while. It’s been a long evening.

10:18 pm: At 340 pounds, I’m not sure if “movement skills” will be that person’s strong suit…

10:21 pm: Peyton Hillis is looking like NEW MONEY, y’all!! Those shoes, though…

10:24 pm: Peyton went from a t shirt and jeans on ESPN yesterday to gator boots with the pimped out Gucci suit at the NFL Draft.

10:26 pm: Michael Irvin’s best moment tonight was coherently saying the word “biochemistry.”

10:31 pm: I don’t know why Goddell didn’t bring out these soldiers earlier. He wouldn’t have been booed!!!

10:34 pm: Danny Watkins’s girlfriend better enjoy those tan lines while she can. Won’t be tanning in Philly!!!

10:43 pm: Turns out that Skype + live blogging + TweetDeck + fantasy baseball tracker = a low laptop battery. Who knew?

10:44 pm: Very glad to see a black guy in a team’s draft room. Also, at least they’re not dressed up as if they’re going to a strip club later. (I’m looking at you, Dallas)

10:50 pm: For those of you scoring at home, “character guy”=bad. “High character guy’=good. And Michael Irvin is definitely a CHARACTER GUY. So, whatever.

10:52 pm: Darren McFadden—a top 100 player in the NFL right now? Uh, whatever you say, man.

10:55 pm: I wonder how much longer Mark Ingram’s beard will grow while he sits in the green room.

10:58 pm: Overall, the NFL Network’s coverage has been pretty decent. I would have replaced Michael Lombardi with Michael Irvin, though.

11:02 pm: Chaos! Nobody knows what the hell is going on, and I LOVE IT!!! Drink!!

11:04 pm: Well, I think we’ve figured out why teams have passed on Jimmy Smith. And, my mind is officially blown.

11:08 pm: Jimmy Smith is “getting the locker room he needs”, says Michael Irvin. I mean, Ray Lewis was only on trial for murder, right? And Irvin actually sliced a teammate’s throat because he wanted a haircut. He’s an expert on good locker rooms!!

11:11 pm: And oh yeah, Rick Ross Jr Mark Ingram went to the Saints. At least he’s not moving far!!

11:14 pm: I think this is the first time that two Heisman winners have been chosen in the first round, no?

11:19 pm: It would be great if Deion would shut the hell up about how these players feel about “not being picked as high as they thought they would be.” Nothing in life is guaranteed!!!

11:20 pm: Random, yet relevant tweet: “Mel Kiper will now look at the camera, a single drop of oil leaking from his eye: “YOU HAVE TAUGHT A ROBOT HOW TO CRY, MARK INGRAM.”” (via @edsbs)

11:24 pm: Random thought: Where are they getting some of these cameras from? I think they found a Hi8 camera for Muhammad Wilkerson’s draft party.

11:26 pm: These highlights of Wilkerson show him just throwing people around. Nice job by the Jets to get a guy who, you know, made plays in college.

11:27 pm: Cam Heyward, you’re already better than Vernon Gholston, that’s for sure.

11:32 pm: A month ago, a co-worker said that he would take DaQuan Bowers #1. Well, uh, about that.

11:37 pm: Somebody just mentioned that the pace of this first round has been phenomenal. Uh, what draft were they watching?!!?

11:37 pm: Having said that, Derek Sherrod is selected by the Green Bay Packers. My God, it’s over!!! I can finally get up and use the bathroom!!! I’m rolling my eyes at the fact that this guy has two first names.

And there we have it. I can’t believe that I wrote 2100+ words about a non-game. I don’t even remember most of these picks, much less whether they made sense. But hey, it was nice to have football back on the forefront!!! Hope you enjoyed it, and we’ll see if we can get a few more live blogs in before summer hits.