Posts Tagged ‘Daryl Johnston’

Because my girlfriend is a superb lady, she agreed to battle me in NFL picks this year. Each week, I’ll present some sort of explanation for our picks, and at the end, the winner gets dinner from the loser. And no, I don’t like my chances.

Apparently, I turned a corner last week. I decided to go with “feeling” over “thought” for my NFL picks. And lo and behold, I went 10-4! This was easily my best pick ’em weekend ever. There was one time where I predicted an exact score for an NFL game, but I can’t seem to find that post (this really did happen). Anyway, I figured that I should let the good times roll, and keep picking on feelings. This week, if you’re looking for actual analysis on the games themselves, you’re probably at the wrong place. Without any further ado, here are my week 5 NFL picks!

(Home team in caps)

BILLS (+1.5) over Jaguars
Ladies and gentleman, it’s the 2010 Blackout Bowl, brought to you by George Bush’s failed po Greedy NFL People!! the

Trent Edwards. Say it with me, Bills fans: Le sigh.

Jaguars are used to blackouts, and with the putrid state of the Bills, I really don’t blame the fans for not showing up (Did it really take four years to figure out that Trent Edwards was not very good?). This game falls under the “We just had a big win, and we’re not going to be ready for the next one!” category for the Tim Tebows Jaguars. (Also known as the “trap” game) Or, I could just be insane for going with 0-4 Buffalo. Like I said, it’s all a feeling!!!

BENGALS (-6.5) over Bucs
I would say that I left the Carson Palmer Bandwagon weeks ago, but he may or may not still be on my fantasy team. While I’m well aware of Tampa (please be advised, Tampa is the city, Tampa Bay is a body of water—apparently the team and the NFL have yet to figure this out) being “OK,” after seeing how the safeties for the Bucs made Charlie Batch look like Warren Moon, I’m thinking that Palmer will be OK. And! Young teams (like Tampa) don’t do well on the road (I’m not counting their win in Charlotte because, well, whatever).

Falcons (-3.5) over BROWNS
Yeah, the Dirty Birds let me down last week (Speaking of which, where have you gone, Jamal Anderson?). I think they got confused from wearing the read helmets, and thought they had to suck as a result.

Yes, Posey was out. But, whatever...who needs the truth these days?

Anyway, I’m feeling that good karma from the Braves being back in the playoffs (bad calls by the umpire be damned) will help the Falcons. And by “help,” I mean, “at least get them to win by at least four points.”

LIONS (-3.5) over Rams
It’s the Sam Bradford Bowl! Had Bradford left school in 2009, he likely would have gone to Detroit. He stayed in school, and, well…guess who’s tied for first place in the NFC West?? This could also be called the No Respect (for the Rams) Bowl: The Lions  are riding a 2-34 streak, yet they’re a 3.5 point favorite?? Who does Vegas think they’re fooling?? (Me, apparently)

COLTS (-8.5) over Chiefs
“The Chiefs are 3-0, they must be for real,” read some story that I saw online this week. Well, you are what your records says you are. But, have you seen Matt Cassel play? It’s no longer a mystery why he never started at Southern Cal. And before you jump on that Kansas City bandwagon, (for this game, at least) please be advised that this game is in Indy. Remember in Week 2, when everyone was convinced that the Giants would go to Indy and beat up on the “wounded” Colts? Let me ask you, how did that turn out?

Packers (-2.5) over REDSKINS
If you had to guess which quarterback had the higher yards per attempt, (an “important QB metric”) would you guess McNabb or “The People’s Choice,” Aaron Rodgers? With all the ink Green Bay gets for their “weapons” on offense, you may be surprised to learn that it is actually McNabb. You may also not give a damn about YPA. Either way, it’s something you can annoy impress your friends with next time you’re talking sports. You can thank me later!

PANTHERS (+2.5) over Bears
The final Carolina drive last Sunday in New Orleans was actually quite memorable, albeit for one reason: It gave me the (so far) winner of “Best, unintentionally inappropriate line from an announcer on a football broadcast.” Daryl Johnston offered this beauty: “If you’re gonna go backdoor, you better make sure that they don’t have backside contain!” Had D’Angelo Williams not taken the “I need to be a hero!” route on that play, this quote is likely not possible. So there, my friends, is how a loss for one (the Panthers) turned into an epic win for everyone else. Thanks, D’Angelo and Moose!

Broncos (+7.5) over RAVENS
The Men of Josh (McDaniels) prevailed as road ‘dogs last week. Why not continue to let the good times roll??? El Neckbeard de QB is leading the NFL in passing yards. To be honest with you, this should not

Fear the beard!

be a surprise. HE WENT TO PURDUE!! And, um, Drew Brees went there too (So did Curtis Painter, but it’s OK if you’d like to pretend that he didn’t). But anyway, I think the Broncos are good enough to “keep it close” in Baltimore. Besides, Joe Flacco may have thrown a sweet TD to win the game last week, but that doesn’t mean he’s “arrived” yet. And, well, I have a good feeling about the Broncos!!!

TEXANS (-3.5) over Giants
So Arian Foster (by the way, shouldn’t his name make the list of “most unfortunate name for a non-white person”?) was benched for the first quarter against the Raiders for missing a team meeting earlier in the week. I know what you’re thinking, “NFL players get in trouble??” Well, I wonder what Kansas football coach Turner Gill would have done. His insane rules include collecting the players’ cell phones the night before the game (not returning them until after the game) and that players can’t be around a female after 10 p.m. I kid you not; this is an actual, honest rule that he has! Arian Foster would probably be cut for missing a meeting if Gill were the coach of the Texans.

Saints (-7.5) over CARDINALS
Max Hall? Maybe the Cardinals are hoping for Max Payne to show up at University

Hey Max, how good is your spiral? I might have another job for you.

of Phoenix Stadium Sunday afternoon. But then again, could Max Payne even play football? I should probably stop giving Ken Whisenhunt ideas. Here’s another idea: is Jake Plummer available? Maybe Jeff Blake, even?

Chargers (-6.5) over RAIDERS
Would you like to guess the crowd for the Raiders-Texans game from Sunday? If you guessed “in the 32,000 range,” you would be correct! (or you could have been looking at my notes–whatever) This makes me wonder” Do people in Oakland care about outdoor sports? The Oakland Athletics play in the Oakland Coliseum also, and let’s just say that crowds for those games are…sparse. The crowds at Oracle Arena (where the Warriors play basketball) are usually large and loud. I know that the Raiders have been terrible, but the A’s finished .500!!! So, what gives, Oakland?

Titans (+6.5) over COWBOYS
Chris Johnson apologized to his seemingly entitled fantasy owners and fans via Twitter about his “subpar” production thus far, saying that he’s still trying to adjust to “eight and nine man fronts.” Hey bro, that sounds like a personal problem! Speaking of fantasy, it never ceases to amaze me how many people complain about “their players” not doing well (players they have on their fantasy team(s)). You know, as if they play solely to help your fantasy team. Get over yourselves! Chris Johnson may not get on track this week, but the Ttians sure will beat this ridiculous spread.

49ERS (-3.5) over Eagles
I reserve the right to change this pick if Roy Halladay someone heals Michael Vick before Sunday night. Really. That’s the only chance that the Eagles have. Kevin Kolb has been shaky at home. Do you think that will suddenly improve on the road?? Three times zones away from Philly?? I think i will go ahead and call this game the C’Mon Son Bowl. Are you liking Philly’s chances Sunday night? C’mon, son.

Vikings (+4.5) over JETS
It’s the Brett Favre’s Penis Bowl! You’ve probably already familiar with the story, and frankly, I’d rather not talk about Favre’s genitals. (Although I will say this: Apparently Brett Favre did not pay attention to MTV’s ad campaign about sexting…it never ends well!) Anyway, I like to flip flop with the Jets. This week, the world is ready to go ahead and crown them. “Oh, LT looks energized!” “They’ll be getting Santonio Holmes back!” “The defense looks nasty!” Rule #1 In Sports (according to me): Great hype falls hard! I’m also feeling a “Favre will go bonkers game since everyone is focusing on his you-know-what” game Monday night. And, you know how I am about my feelings.

Last Week: 10-4
Season: 32-30